or12

Apr 26, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Frantic

I am loosing it
At the edge of sanity
Another step and damned
The aura of madness below
Menacingly stretching its murky lips

Fate; her claws wedged in my skin
Just like others I am a victim, blame her
Dragged spiteful through her coarse domain
Cursing while she chuckles. 'This is life.’ She says

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: East Africa

Comments

Rula

13 years 2 months ago

A bit ...

I found this a bit cloudy, vague
or may be it is just me ? Please ignore
I am sure it is only me :-)

or12

13 years 2 months ago

Thanks

Thank you for reading it and expressing what you felt about it. Thats why I had it published here, needed honest opinion.

In this particular poem, I wanted to express a broken mind at the end of sanity.
But then this 'mind' puts all the blame on fate.

Rula

13 years 2 months ago

Well!

well this helps , such clues can always be
added in the "last word to add"
Thanks for the clarification

or12

13 years 2 months ago

pleasure

The pleasure was mine.

China Blue

13 years 2 months ago

or12

not so much vague as I found it veryself centered with all the "I"'s and me's
there is a way you can avoid this type of repetition though

example:
I think I'm losing it
At the edge of sanity
another step, damned
seeing the aura of madness below
and so on
it still reads the same simply because the I is understood

or12

13 years 2 months ago

Appreciation

Chrys,
thanks for taking the time to read.
Construction critique makes a student a better learner.
I had suspected someone would point out the repetitions.

Let me try making it better.

Candlewitch

13 years 2 months ago

hello,

The title doesn't really cover the feeling of the poem, IMHO. How about something like; "Frantic" "Fevered Mind" or "Ledge". In this line:

"I curse while she chuckles. 'This is life.’ She says"

you could avoid so many "I" by saying instead:

(cursing while she chuckles.)

I liked the panicked feel of the poem. hope I have helped :)

always, Cat