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This poem is part of the contest:

Frozen Passion

That first time I loved her,
A moment so brief,
The body, mind, froze,
Imbued with relief.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Isle of Wight United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: Poe, Swinburn, Bob Dylan, Spike Milligan, Alfred Noyes, Kipling., Many Others.

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Comments

Geezer

2 months 2 weeks ago

do a couple of things here. The first is that I would put the comma between time and I.
Another is that I would say [A moment so brief], rather than "Moments so brief."
Lastly, {The mind and body frozen] to keep the tenses right. What do you think? ~ Geez.
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Alex Tanner

2 months 2 weeks ago

A Sunny Sunday

At last.
A comma in the first line make a subtle difference to how the line reads, puts a distinct pause and changes the emphasis. It seems to imply,'I loved her' as a statement of ongoing feeling whereas without it, it implies just what it was, a first time.
Second line you are quite correct and I should have seen it.
Last line, putting 'and' in is something I use as little as possible. I could say frozen but again I think the subtle difference it makes is not necessary. It does, I hope, show the narrator frozen as he recalls the moment.
I'm always glad to get your comments and suggestions Geez. Hope it's as sunny there as here.

Geezer

2 months 2 weeks ago

Always eager...

to help. I mistook your meaning in that line, which is why I suggested the change of the comma. Nah, not much sun here today, but little spears of light, illuminating the landscape here and there. I guess we have to take what we can get. ~ Geez.
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