The Frustrated zombie

Please stop running!
Don't you know how hard it is
to move in rotting skin?
Its so damn frustrating!!

Its not fair, I tell you
I only need your brain to feed
but I can't have a fill
coz you have the speed!

Can't someone help me?
My right eye popped out again
I hate these wriggly worms,
they are driving me insane

I wanted to scream
but it came out as a groan.
It's pathetic, I must admit
my real voice is long gone

I'm the slowest of the monsters
walking , crawling aimlessly
I'm one hungry predator
I'm the frustrated zombie

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

for everyone

this is for everyone!

scribbler

11 years 4 months ago

Hi

Firstly let me say this is enjoyable as is. But there are some things I'd have done differently :
stanza 1
line 2. Please stop running turns it into more of a plea than an order
line 2 change "do"to don't
stanza 2
line 2 I only need your brain to feed the "only" suggests that eating a brain is a minor thing and dropping the S in brains directs the statement to a single victim
stanza 3
line 1 change "Can" to can't makes it more of a plea again
stanza 4
line 1 and 2 either wanted and came or want and comes. As is the tense disagrees
** I'd have tried to work in something about trying to scream with either a half rotten or missing tongue but that's just me
stanza 5
line 1 try I'm the slowest of the monsters might add a bit more clarity that you are comparing self to monsters other than zombies.

It's a new thing to me trying to critique a poem written tongue in cheek. And if Any of these suggestions don't fit in with something you intend to convey just toss them out...........stan

wesley snow

11 years 4 months ago

This is just plain silly.

I like it.

alidzain

11 years 4 months ago

Thanks, guys

Thanks for the comments and the visit. Much appreciated.

Alid