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loved
loved
Apr 20, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

fuckin bitchy

I can visualize you
as a serpent
entwined
with another one
chaste at first
then roar like a lion

You emerge the strongest
of lovely men
robust
humorous
cantankerous

and
then like a rolling discus
the ones you twine with
will you curse…
when in them
you finally disburse…

the perilous
of all humanly wine
then once you un- entwine
you will find another
snaky one in line

till then lover poet
remain like wine
in a position you entwine...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: ROU

More from this author

Comments

loved

loved

12 years 2 months ago

hatred????

he thought it was being sexy
MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN

BettyBuff

BettyBuff

12 years 2 months ago

Hi Loved

I got the same impression as frenchf....words like disburse....curse...perilous... cantankerous...'fuckin bitchy'...didn't give me the impression of eroticism (even though the use of the serpent could have sexual overtones.)

If you swopped some of those words with something onomatopoeic (sounds like actions)...it might work better? Your talent is often misunderstood...

Ells :)

Ian.T

Ian.T

12 years 2 months ago

Loved

I can see many places that you could come from in this piece, though the overall picture gives out a shout against the wind.
So you may have meant it to be erotic and a harsh love that is shared though the other party is slightly pushed away by hard feelings, I think with a few changes this could become a good piece,
Yours Ian.T