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Feb 09, 2022
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Fulfilment from the parents
It has been all but a rough ride
The days unpleasant sailing in this tide
Never knew they could make it
Always dreamt to time... fit
Dreaming of life's luxury
Not the size of the world
Just according to my fold
Wondering the life that passed
Imagining the beauty classed
That gift others found waving
I sought for eternity praying
It could take eternity
Yet I could wait paternity
They never lied
I was always satisfied
Though I could wait a century
They also knew of country
Life could be rough within
Yet I got the joy between
That joy of parents satisfying
That joy of receiving a huge flying
That joy was complete
Like none before on the street
They got me my dream gift
It could make me realize the lift
Of the burden they took for my satisfaction.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This has been my dream,to get help from experts so I don't mind being criticised in the most constructive way.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
3 years 4 months ago
It is...
my idea that you have written about receiving a gift of love from your parents. Perhaps getting a computer and the chance to participate in the world of the internet? I think that if you read as much as you can of what you see here, you will find that you will gradually make yourself better understood. I would appreciate more of an explanation of what you are writing about. ~ Geezer.
.
Jackweb
3 years 4 months ago
Always touch his poem( Just new here) Anza Mathias!
Thank you for attending that poem. The young guy Anza Mathias was brought by me. I gave him all the assurance that definitely he would get better critique here. So, pls, always attend to his poems. It's a plea! He told me he wants to be a good poet.
Thank you so much for touching the poem.
Anza Matthias …
3 years 4 months ago
Appreciation
Sir, am very glad you have been here for me. I really appreciate your time and consideration as I hope to sail this Rivers of knowledge.
Ray Whitaker
3 years 4 months ago
WELCOME!!! Nice to see more participation
From your part of the world!
I like the thought line in your poem. It carries the reader thru some complex places. I admire your command of English.
A suggestion of mine is to put those thoughts into stanzas, instead of it being one long poem. Makes it more readable, and understandable. For example:
It has been all but a rough ride
the days unpleasant sailing in this tide
never knew they could make it
always dreamt to time... fit.
Dreaming of life's luxury, not the size of the world
just according to my fold
wondering the life that passed
imagining the beauty classed.
you can go on from there, shaping thoughts into stanzas, keeping an eye on form, and the use of white space.
'Course this is just my opinion, and it my be worth exactly what you have paid for it!
Jackweb
3 years 4 months ago
Always touch his poems (Just new here) Anza Mathias!
Thank you for attending that poem. The young guy Anza Mathias was brought by me. I gave him all the assurance that definitely he would get better critique here. So, pls, always attend to his poems. It's a plea! He told me he wants to be a good poet.
Thank you so much for touching the poem.
Anza Matthias …
3 years 4 months ago
Am grateful
Am very grateful for this suggestion. Thank you for taking your time to read and give an honest opinion.
Ray Whitaker
3 years 4 months ago
No troubles…
Anza is welcome here, even if you brought him into the fold. Laughing….
Jackweb
3 years 4 months ago
Haha!
Hilarious!