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Dec 14, 2024
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Garden of innocence
There in the midnight air.
Your brains are scattered there.
Your fiends discretely leave,
accomplished their dirty deed.
Your friends and family
weep with a sense of ease.
Knowing your suffering
has passed into eternity.
They never realized
the true nature of the beast.
Which tore your poor mind apart,
broke your soft fragile heart.
You've finally past the test
now you can take your rest.
Weep not for those you've leftt.
You'll meet them somewhere else.
You'll be with them shortly
They may need sometime you see
your innocent pleas!.
In the garden of innocence!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I wrote this for a friend whho passed innocently into eternity.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
6 months 2 weeks ago
Hey man...
Your title is a little ambiguous, but I think that once read, the poem explains it.
Having read most of the poems that you have written in dealing with this subject,
I feel that you have covered the story adequately, and the ending is one that might reasonably be expected. Your language use is good, the pace is slow and methodical. The theme is that it might be any one of us who no longer has any say, we are all here for our own good. Those who are thus delivered, are deemed
saved. Those of us who are saved, are innocent of any charges, we just are in the way. I understand the principals, just not the methods. ~ Geez.
.
Leslie
6 months 2 weeks ago
Sir G
I'm glad you enjoyed the poem. I think that I'll try something different the nex time around. I'm glad you liked the language and I'm also happy that you feel the same way about the subject of the poem! Thanks for your ccomments.