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Jul 20, 2012
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Ghost (a co-write with Pixee)
Ghost
co-write with Pixee
I've found the cold
of separation
a rusty blade
in-between my ribs
seeking my heart
in the frigid lands
where smiles
cannot reach
no light
white or blue
to feel the touch
of sunshine
on my need strained face
I travel
in morbid shade
and shadow
flows through
my hungry veins
screeching in pain
the cloak of grief
has over come me
shadow and shade
are no more
the abyss
has become my confidant
ruby red is bright and sharp
with closed eyes in hopes
that this is a horror of a
vision only to find out that
I am a ghost
About This Poem
Last Few Words: this is a co-write with Pixee
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
weirdelf
12 years 12 months ago
this feels diluted, polluted,
who the fuck is pixee?
Candlewitch
12 years 12 months ago
Dear Jess,
Can you tell me what you would change? Pixee used to be a member of Neopoet. She dropped membership as she was very ill. Thanks for reading.
love, Cat
weirdelf
12 years 12 months ago
it's hard to be constructive about this cat,
my response was a gut one, it feels like a collection of, admittedly effective, words, lacking an essential unity.
Yes, I remember pixee now, where is she?
Candlewitch
12 years 11 months ago
Dear Jess,
Don't worry. I never take your critiques as offensive. I know you are just being honest, and I appreciate that about you. Pixee has been very ill. She lives in the united states, I know not where. We have contact through e-mail.
love, Cat
Esker
12 years 12 months ago
I like this Poem very much for variety of its word useage
I would have to go back to see If I remember Pixiee
we have so many members come and go which is
natural with any site
I like the first few paragraphs of this
"seek out my heart
in frigid lands
Where none can reach
with smiles and hands.."
for me this just takes some shuffling in my head
and to roll them across my tongue in verse and
speech Mind you a lot of this comes just from
memory of basic old school taught english
"No light
blue or white"
I would want to alters this as Light and White run together sounds for
me and feels like skipping twice on one foot. so close phonetically that as twins they
would operate as book ends to a line like this for balance
"in morbid shade
all shadows flow
through hungry veins"
I really dug shakespeare and his way of writing
and love the scripts of the radio talk shows of
earlier times and early scripts for dramatic
short movies (serials and horror classics my fave)
David Lynch took this to an abstract with the nineties
works he did
I drop a lof of "a" "my" "and" at times and I even
used "ike" a way too much
for me losing these is like smoothing the waves
goes from being choppy to more smooth
the flow is like a boat riding on the plane
rather then just starting to push through
the chop
Im just shuffling the top of this poem up
as I've done
but I like it a lot
Thank You
Candlewitch
12 years 11 months ago
Dear Steven,
Thank you so very much for your indepth review. It is appreciated greatly! I am always interested in what you think and have to say.
always, Cat