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Jul 27, 2013
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Ghosts
Dark dark night
Staring at those
Dark dark eyes
A silhouette of not an angel that hides
Floating,
in the air...
hush...now hush...
watch it disappear !
Don't wake me up
I'll catch fear
These eyes only wanna see you
in my head
When I turn the lights on,
You disappear....
Why do you disappear?
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Ian.T
12 years 2 months ago
Katrina
Just be careful not to use words twice it may attract critique, like now lol
Dark Dark the second one could be deep velvet eyes, otherwise it sounds a little lazy.
Wait a while to see what others say first but I think it is a pet hate of some of our readers.
You take care, and lovely to read your pieces , Yours Ian.T
wesley snow
12 years 2 months ago
Hi Katrina.
Welcome back.
I'm Wesley and I've only been with NeoPoet about a year. They actually let me run some stuff.
Scary.
I'm going to disagree with Ian. I think repetitive phrasing is not only acceptable, but a good tool if used carefully.
If I had a suggestion it would be this.
If you are going to use "repetitive phrasing" in a poem I believe it must be used intensely. Not just in the first line, but throughout the poem as though it were a central tenet of the piece.
Does that make sense?
The poem is dark. There seems to be a lot of dark poetry at NeoPoet these days. Do you write anything lighter?
I hope you stick around. There is a lot of potential in what I read and I would very much like to see you grow into your self.