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Apr 11, 2015
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The Gift
Should I gift you
topaz, cameo
or amethyst
a string of gemstones
seems to be
the right band
for your satisfaction!
I love it on your wrist
I hate though
to see
your beauty
enchained.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Esker
10 years 3 months ago
adaptations ...
topaz is composed of many atom chain
a mystical gemstone
I like the ideas and their structure of
how you create a poem..
the ending others may love as I do..
again I offer ideas and move things..
my ponderances.
"I truly see it on your beautiful wrist
though I hate to see it encircled-
enchained...."
even this suggestion is rough
I like the poem very much
and symbolic meaning to charms
and wristlets
wrist bands
Thank You
I ike the confident nature
of how you write..
"your satisfaction"
a great line
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Steve
Thank you for the invaluable feedback though I thought your suggestion changed the meaning I intended.
Anyway I always appreciate your visit.
judyanne
10 years 3 months ago
hi Rula
Nice free form
but you have used the words 'chain' and 'chained' in a very short write - similar words too close together - I would suggest 'string' instead of chain.
I would also suggest culling the third stanza to read simply
'a string of gemstones
seems right''
(however I would also suggest finding a more descriptive/poetic way of saying it)
a case of less is more - I really like it
love judy
xxx
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Judy
Many thanks.
I have edited. Not sure if it reads any better. I looked for alternatives for "chain" and used "band" somewhere. I thought chain and enchained are not that close.
what do you think now?
scribbler
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Rula
You could leave "chain" as is and change "chained" to bound.Just a thought........stan
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
another good alternative
If I didn't want "chain" as I feel the best choice for what I wanted for "imprisonment".
raj
10 years 3 months ago
innovative...a good gifting
innovative...a good gifting idea for the better half...poetic or real time..
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Raj
Many thanks. Great to know you like this one.
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Salam, Rula
This poem is a question on the gift. Just asking to see if I get this right. Is the ast stanza an acknowledgement that true beauty doesn't need emstones s decorations?
Alid
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Salam Khalid
It is more about the desire of keeping any kind of beauty free if that makes any sense?
scribbler
10 years 3 months ago
BTW
I liked the poem's premise of physical gifts binding us. (might use that premise next time I fogey an anniversary lmao)