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Obadiah Grey
Obadiah Grey
Jun 03, 2021 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"- gleaning of the owl-"

Gimbal eyed and shrugged
at rooks caw and ravens croaked
shriven threaded dawn.

Obi.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: int'topfield, GBR

Favorite Poets: Felix Dennis, Brian Bilston,

More from this author

Comments

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

4 years 1 month ago

For clarity, I ought explain

For clarity, I ought explain this is an attempt at haiku wrenched from the piece below.

Gimbal eyed and shrugged
on oaken bough
before the bluffing of the crow
before rook caw and raven croak
before the shriven threaded dawn-

to glean his silent measure.-

Gracy

Gracy

4 years 1 month ago

Hi Obi, I think you made a

Hi Obi, I think you made a very good haiku. You have the 5-7-5 rules that Western haiku are meant to have. In reality, I believe the Japanese wrote their haikus in one long line, is that correct?
Enjoyed, Gracy

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

4 years 1 month ago

hello, G. From my

hello, G. From my understanding the original haiku should.
be about nature,
syllable count of 5,7,5.
three lines whereby the first two are visuals and the final line is a reveal binding the first two...

Having said that,,,,,, its just a guess really, LOL.

Cheers, Obi.

A

Arrow

4 years 1 month ago

I think it's confusing

because the languages don't translate well. So, my understanding is the 5-7-5 doesn't really work because on don't translate well into syllables.

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

4 years 1 month ago

You can make the same claim

You can make the same claim about the modern use use of iambic metre in my estimation,,,
its all just a coat hanger to throw a hat on really!

A

Arrow

4 years 1 month ago

For me, the language is an

For me, the language is an obstacle. Although once I searched the dictionary, I really came to like the last line. Maybe the first line could be more accessible? Shrugged as an adjective doesn't work for me or at least, shrugged and shriven as adjectives in combination don't work for me. There is something powerful here . . . the idea of nature either needing pardon or offering it. I'm not sure which is intended.

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

4 years 1 month ago

Hello there, I'm quite happy

Hello there, I'm quite happy with the language, its interesting, and the words are out of the ordinary,
But, its a poor Haiku!
although each line is interesting they don't connect to form anything coherent.

Guess its another one for the back burner,,,,, heigh ho..

Cheers, Obi.