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Apr 21, 2011
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god didn't make gardens
god didn't make gardens
for us
to murder flowers
strange we can do it
without the sight of blood
without you
i can breathe
without me
you can pray
for indistinct faith
and impossible stories that
make men
a woman's experiment
About This Poem
Last Few Words: brevity...sorry had to post it, sitting in my brain and it needed writing before I forgot it :) could be cut back I think
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction: [This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Eduardo Cruz
14 years 3 months ago
Chez
The beginning in the Garden, Caine and Able.Yes we do stifle each other to breathlessness (shit is that a word)
it's all going to hell in a hand basket.A we think we are the rulers of the world (men). what's the old saying, "behind every man there's a woman" or is it, "In every man there's a woman" hahaha!
paper umbrella
14 years 3 months ago
god didn't make gardens
god didn't make gardens
for us
to murder flowers
strange how we can do it
without the sight of blood
without you
i can breathe
without me
you can pray
for indistinct faith
and impossible stories that
make men
a woman's experiment
just a few suggestions? the ending break is great, the intro tripped me a bit
Marie Marshall
14 years 3 months ago
Ah, now then...
This is a little gem, but again another poem where the title sits uneasily. Have you ever considered doing without separate titles and letting your first line be the title?
CCfire
14 years 3 months ago
actually
I think that's what Lilian was trying to convey but I wondered if that worked..I do actually like my first line a lot lol..will try it and see
Rottiestyl
14 years 2 months ago
I love the 2nd stanza. We are
I love the 2nd stanza. We are all individuals, with minds to construct, mold and destroy at will. I have to disagree with the first, not the writing, it was wonderful, the meaning. Although laying in God's fields of flowers would be the ultimate action, to take some before they die, to give a bit of longer life, to be able to have a piece of that beauty sit inches from me and my favorite chair is a small slice of God in and of it self. But, I loved the piece as a totality. I look at things sideways at times, just ask Jess, lol.
Rottie - Kim
(V)
CCfire
14 years 2 months ago
I think it's good to look at
I think it's good to look at things sideways sometimes, thank you for the great comment, always interested what people take out of my poems.