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Sep 22, 2024
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Gods and Chariots...
As the dawn lit up the primordial sky,
the rising sun, all hot and red.
It turns the sea to steam and vapors,
and Gdog turns his shaggy head.
Adjustments here and there, I guess,
it's almost ready now,
I'm tired of working, I think I'll rest,
right after I finish this cow.
Let's see, it needs to be portable,
I guess I'll give it feet,
self-sustained on grass and water,
Hey, that's pretty neat!
I got to keep my marks up,
Dad's been so pissed at me,
fooled around, wrecked his chariot, or whatever...
you know, how Zeus can be!
I took a look at what he did,
it doesn't seem so hard
So, I'm learning how to make a man,
I'll keep him in my yard.
He'll be such fun to **** with,
I'll give him lots, then take it back.
A stupid thing, addictive stuff,
make him love the crack!
I'll torture him, he will deny me,
he'll never know for sure.
Then, I'll give him Hope, I think,
for which there is no cure.
Oh damn! He does look mad,
What is it father mine?
"Don't tell me you don't know,
I don't want to hear that line."
"You leave the man-things right alone,
you better hear me now,
You stick to making animals,
like that quite delicious cow!
That's one good thing you have done.
Let's have a barbecue.
I'll get the girls to bring some ale
and you bring a cow or two."
Okay, Pop, I'll call the Uncas
[Phew, he's in a party mood]
I'll send Merc' to spread the word,
This week is gonna get crude!
I'll bet me and Loki can fix that thing
that Pop was making up.
We'll sneak away and grab one,
keep it in mommy's cup.
Hunh... Funny that, I can't imagine,
that she would mind at all.
I've heard that she does like them,
even though they're small.
I guess we better get moving
or Dad will kick my ass,
The party starts in hours now,
gotta get some special grass."
Hmmmm...
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Just something that rolled out. Something to smooth out the wrinkles. I don't know where it winds up.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
9 months 4 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem presents an interesting blend of contemporary language and mythological themes, creating a unique narrative voice. However, the piece could benefit from more consistency in its tone and structure.
The poem seems to alternate between a more formal, elevated language ("As the dawn lit up the primordial sky") and a casual, conversational tone ("Dad's been so pissed at me"). While this contrast can be used effectively, it might be beneficial to make the shifts more deliberate or to choose one style to maintain throughout.
The structure of the poem is also somewhat inconsistent. Some stanzas have a clear rhyme scheme, while others do not. The poem could benefit from a more consistent use of rhyme and rhythm to enhance the musicality of the piece.
The narrative of the poem is engaging and humorous, but at times, the story becomes a bit confusing. The speaker's relationship to the other characters and their motivations could be clarified.
The use of contemporary references and language in a mythological context is a clever device, but it might be more effective if these elements were integrated more seamlessly into the poem.
Lastly, the poem contains some potentially offensive language and themes. It's important to consider the potential impact of these elements on the reader.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
9 months 4 weeks ago
Gods and Chariots
Hello, Geezer,
A bit of Greek mythology here, representing Prometheus and Epimetheus? Really like the humor and the point of view from the son(s). I'll be back after your response!
Thank you!
L
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
This was...
just a bit of tongue in cheek. It started out to be something quite different.
As it is with some of them, it got away from me, and turned the corner.
Once 'round the corner and a little bit out of sight, it tried to bolt.
However, I managed to keep a good grip and wrestled it into something manageable.
My original intent was to show how god was intrigued with man and wanted to make him in his image. [Ancient Alien Theory].
I'm glad that you were humored. ~ Geez.
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Lavender
9 months 4 weeks ago
This is great...
it looks like you had fun wrestling with it!
L
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
Yes...
I did. Most times, it is fun to wrestle them, and I think my muse might bring me a few that she thinks will be fun to watch me wrestle. Oh yeah, she's a fox alright; you can see it in her eyes when she brings me a tale that isn't quite subdued, one that can bring a few smiles to her lips and bruises to my ego. I wouldn't have it any other way; I think it might be extremely boring to write them down just the way she brings them to me. Thanks for your always welcome comments and asides. ~ Geez.
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kowque
9 months 4 weeks ago
This piece made me chuckle
:)
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
So glad...
I could make you chuckle. It started out to be a serious piece and then the absolute madness of the scenario struck me, and I could hear the voices in my head telling me to ham it up. [make it funny]. Thank you, ~ Geez.
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kowque
9 months 4 weeks ago
The voices in my head urge me
To spit in my boss' coffee,
I'm glad your head is more creative and playful.
;)
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
I think...
you might have some fun by twisting the meaning and direction of some of our monthly suggestions. There was a period, where I had way more time on my hands than now, and I would combine all four weeks into one poem, just for hell of it. I enjoy double meanings, and entendre, and I have great admiration for the people who master it. I see your humor showing. ~ Geez.
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Candlewitch
9 months 4 weeks ago
Dear Geezer,
Don't you just love it when a poem grows legs and runs away with you? I love it!
I'll torture him, he will deny me,
he'll never know for sure.
Then, I'll give him Hope, I think,
for which there is no cure.
*hugs, Cat
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
Oh, you know it...
I am deeply indebted to you, for a couple of reasons. One, you are one of my oldest friends here, two, you don't shy away from letting a person know what you like or don't like. You are just as quick to point out something you think could be better, as you are to say, "Good job!" So, when I get feedback from you, I enjoy it either way. ~ Geez.
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Candlewitch
9 months 4 weeks ago
;)
;) I feel the same way about you and your poetry! *hugs, Cat
Alex Tanner
9 months 4 weeks ago
Had to read
Hi Geez. i had to read this many times to get where it was going. Still not sure my poor befuddled brain grasps it but I did find it amusing. I don't know why we bother with AI. No soul. He may be technically correct in his comments but who wants us all to be technically correct? Not I say I. Just let the quill flow where it wants to go. Alex
Geezer
9 months 4 weeks ago
If you found...
it is amusing, I think you got where it was going. It was one of those times, when a piece I was writing, crawled inside my head and said, "What if the conversation went in this direction?" or this happened, instead of the thing that people would normally expect? It caught me by surprise, [as many times it does], and I answered without thinking. I woke up several lines later... and, well you know the rest. As always, glad to see you, ~ Geez.
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Triskelion
9 months 3 weeks ago
Yeah...
...so oddly relatable that its comedic value finds itself layered under a tongue in cheek situation that lends itself to the days of "Mikey won't like it...he hates everything....HeyMikey! He likes it"....at least that's where I was brought back to. Mixing it with the gods of yester-eon. just gives it enough flair, it could probably sell LIFE cereal again!
Great writing...
Thomas
Geezer
9 months 3 weeks ago
Thanks dude...
I know that it's rough, and I could probably make it smoother, but I'm not in any big hurry. I'll let it settle a day or two, then take a look. I had a bunch of fun with it. ~ Geez.
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