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Jan 05, 2025
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The Good Times
More and more,
On a daily basis,
I am remembering,
The good times ,
I had with Shaya.
The words,
Adventurous,
Out there,
Come to mind,
When I think about him,
And the life we had together.
Other words include,
Disruptive,
Unpredictable,
Forthright.
He was full of charm,
And never brooked,
Any nonsense.
He was an engineer,
To the core.
He got things done,
With the parts,
He had saved,
Or re-used.
Sometimes,
He didn't make things,
Easy for me,
But that's what I got,
In the bargain,
When I married him.
We lasted,
Until the very end,
For forty-one years.
Our legacy,,
Sarah and Faye,
Are the shining examples,,
Of our work,
TOGETHER.
His legacy,
For me,
Was his enduring devotion,
To me, his wife,
To his daughters,
To his sons-in-law.
He gave,
TOTALLY,
To everything,
He did,
In his life,
And for his family.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This is a poem about my late husband, who died three years ago. It is coming up to the third anniversary of his death. This poem came to me just the other day, as I approach that very day. I put it all out there, just thinking about the good stuff that we shared over forty-one years. I wanted to share my feelings at this moment in time for my fellow poets.
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively utilizes a simple, conversational tone to convey a deeply personal narrative. It is clear that the poem is a reflection on a past relationship, specifically a marriage, with the subject, Shaya. The use of specific, descriptive adjectives such as "adventurous", "disruptive", "unpredictable", and "forthright" provides a clear image of Shaya's character.
However, the poem could benefit from more show-don't-tell techniques. While the adjectives used are descriptive, they are told to the reader rather than shown through specific anecdotes or actions. For example, instead of stating that Shaya was "adventurous" and "out there", the poem could include a specific memory or event that demonstrates these characteristics.
The poem also has an inconsistent use of punctuation and capitalization, particularly towards the end. For instance, the phrase "Our legacy,," and "Are the shining examples,," both contain unnecessary commas. Additionally, the word "TOGETHER" and "TOTALLY" are capitalized, which disrupts the otherwise consistent capitalization rules in the rest of the poem. These inconsistencies can be distracting for the reader and may disrupt the flow of the poem.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more structured format. The lines are of varying lengths and there is no consistent rhyme scheme or rhythm. While free verse is a valid poetic form, the lack of structure in this poem can make it difficult for the reader to follow.
In conclusion, this poem effectively conveys a deeply personal narrative through a conversational tone and descriptive language. However, it could benefit from more show-don't-tell techniques, consistent punctuation and capitalization, and a more structured format.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
kowque
6 months 1 week ago
This made me want to meet Shaya
Beautiful piece.
Also, it's quite mysterious altogether.
The Gogetter
6 months 1 week ago
You would have loved him Koki
That is such a nice heading. He was a wonderful teacher in the vocational education sector. His students loved him. He was a stickler for detail, and this used to be one of the features I often used when something required that strategy. My memories of our life together are mostly positive. There was always an "us", that's how tight we were. He always had my back. It was a true partnership.