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Mar 23, 2015
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Goodbye, Mr Lee
Goodbye, Mr Lee
Thank you for memories
of the best years of Singapore
By your side, we have witnessed
the growth of our beloved city
from the old village of yesterday
to be the pride of our nation today
You have championed our cause,
leading us through troubed times.
You have strived with us for many years,
dedicating your life for this country
You reminded us not to be so westernised
that we forget our asian identity,
our various languages and unique cultures,
because of this we are a multiracial society
Thank you
for your contributions,
In our hearts you'll always be
ensconced
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Mr Lee Kuan Yew, the founding father and first Prime Minister of Singapore passed away on 23/03/2015 at 318am. This poem is a tribute to him.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
mand
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Alid
This is a lovely tribute to Mr Lee - I looked him up on Google - as you rightly say he "dedicated his life to the betterment of his country". ( He banned chewing gum - that's a thumbs up from me ).
He's going to be sorely missed! But if those who succeed him get it wrong, he say's he going to come back from the grave to sort them out!
Thanks for sharing Alid - nice write.
Love Mand xxxx
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Mand
The truth is I am not really a fan of his very firm standing on certain things here but that does not make me blind to the good that he has done. Singapore is lacking in its own natural resources and if it is not because of his discipline and firmness in the fight against corruption, this country would have suffered a long time ago.
As for him coming back from the grave, well, I supposed that's just the talk of someone who is too passionate on his work.
Alid
mand
10 years 3 months ago
Yes
I read he was very strict - with regard the media etc
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
That he is
and it rubs people thde wrong way.
Alid
Sparrow
10 years 3 months ago
Alid
The loss of a great thinker and one that has built up Singapore to what it is today.
All I can say is:-
"A great man has finished his tasks here"
Take care do PM me about those Pain killers and the problem they are trying to mask,
Yours as always, Ian..
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Hello Ian
Thanks for the visit and the comments.
Alid
raj
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Alid
A great tribute for one of a kind from a nice man like you. I would only suggest to try and find alternates to over use of the words "You have"so that it reads more like a poem.. That said, dont make any changes till you hear what others have to say about this sentimental poem...
Regards,
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Raj
Not sure how to do that. hmmm...
Alid
Rula
10 years 3 months ago
Salam brother
A good tribute to a well merited Man as I understand.
I haven't heard much about him ( my fault of course)
In your opening, you've thanked him for" the memories".
I don't think what he did become mere memories with his death. Just what I think.
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Salam, Rula
but how should I say it then?
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
Ah,
a brisk conversation about Mr. Lee, but not a word about Mr. Alid. You know... the poet?
I'm not sure what you want from me Alid, so I'll give it straight up.
The poem is verso libre which means it's not my best game. I have never much cared for it, but have read some spectacular ones.
Yours is not spectacular, but it is very good. It's meter doesn't get me as it sometimes seems a fight between iamb and trochee. However, for the most part the rhythm is good.
It is a very powerful subject matter done lightly as if affectionately.
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Wes
At least the rhythm is there. I need to think how to go about this poem but I'll wait for others to comment before I decide what to do with this.
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 3 months ago
I would leave it alone.
There comes that moment when the artist puts too much into the effort and the work of art suffers.
scribbler
10 years 3 months ago
Hi Alid
Apologies for late response. There has been a health crises then death in family.
But on to the poem. I'll list suggestions in stanza- line manner.
S-1,L-2 delete "the" ..thanks for the memories is a cliche in English
S-3,L-2 I would change turbulent to troubled. Troubled better conveys times during which ideas are changing but doesn't necessarily convey violence like turbulent does and I expect the times were not always violent
S-4, L-2 delete roots-
S-4,L-4 Is you society mainly multiracial or is it mainly multicultural?
Last stanza. Delete Mr. Lee, by now we all know who you're thanking."Remembered" in last line seems a bit tame. Maybe embedded or ensconced or something similar?
Hope these ideas are of some use......stan PS Wes is WRONG! NEVER leave a poem you're not happy with alone. You might give it a break for a while then return to it with fresh eyes later. Heck, I just edited the 2nd or 3rd poem I ever wrote lol. Shame on you Wes !
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Stan
How shoud I put it....my society is multicultural because it is multiracial. Thanks for the help and send my condolence to your family.
Alid
scribbler
10 years 3 months ago
A society
can easily be multiracial without being multicultural. see Saudi Arabia as an example. But all societies I know of which is multi cultural are also multi racial
judyanne
10 years 3 months ago
a nice tribute Alid
the only thing that bothered me is the last word - ensconced ... not poetic to my ear...
just me probably :)
love judy
xxx
alidzain
10 years 3 months ago
Judy
I agree but what other words can replace "remembered"? Any ideas?
Alid