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Aug 16, 2011
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GRANDPA WAS RIGHT
Grandpa once said to me
When wind tosses our canoe
I should not come out to peep
What he said entered one ear
And came out of the other
When the wind blew hard
The canoe tossed up and down
This canoe in the sea of life
I came out in defiance to look
O! Grandpa was right
I saw the wind riding the storm
A shifting hurricane so terrible
Whirlwind in destructive spree
Wind has neither friend nor foe
O! Grandpa was right
Roofs flew from houses like birds
The wind rocked the canoe harder,
Higher than Kilimanjaro, it crested
Tidal waves carried me into the sea
O! Grandpa was right
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
the_fool
13 years 7 months ago
i almost got seasick reading
i almost got seasick reading this, but in a good way. this appears to be an analogy of stress and problems building up in life. i'd try to find a way to add little things like bills or relationships to give it more depth-
Roofs flew from houses like bills
tumbling off the coffee table
yea, this example is kinda lame, but it's just an example.
the word 'wind' was repeated six times (i included whirlwind), maybe synonymize there.
fun stuff, keep writing!
weirdelf
13 years 7 months ago
Nicely crafted,
great word choice, though like Mr. Fool I found the use of wind a bit much. The repeated endline is very effective.
Unlike Mr. Fool I don't think a complete allegory like this needs specific similes or metaphors.