Haiku

Childhood memories,
played to an afternoon rain
while rainbow watching.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Kumasi,Ghana

Comments

Rula

11 years 11 months ago

Welcome to the Neo Jermaine

Nice first post. A lifting up 5-7-5 haiku.
If it was mine, I would make a little tweak on the last line

"while rainbow watching"................... rainbow is watching
but it's only me.

Jonathan Moore

11 years 11 months ago

A good foundation

Rula made an excellent suggestion for a modification on line three and I will make a suggestion for line two.

"Played to an afternoon rain"

This line stumbles a bit to me due to the consonant and vowel construction and interaction.

I might look at "within" because I feel it flows a it better:

"Played within afternoon rain."

But I like the general snapshot this captures.

Jermaine

11 years 11 months ago

Thanks a lot guys, I really

Thanks a lot guys, I really appreciate it.

Ian.T

11 years 11 months ago

Welcome to Neopoet, I hope you enjoy being here with us.
Loved this first piece, I quite like the Japanese ways though the syllable count for Western writers is usually less strict.
The only thing I can say on this one is the last line, but it is good as is so not to worry too much, Yours Ian.T

Childhood memories,
played to an afternoon rain,
while rainbows look on