haiku ~ flow

shaded life listens
beyond dappled waters edge
fluidity speaks

About This Poem

Last Few Words: haiku 5,7,5 syllables

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, Charles Bukowski, Anne Waldman

Comments

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

I like this, the animism of nature, you bloody pagan! teehee

for some reason, and I would have difficulty justifying this, or even suggesting it, but
sussurating soft
jumped into my mind as an alternative first line.

But that would blow the listens/speaks dialogue aspect.

I'm glad you made my mind jump. This haiku is truly a success in that it engaged me far beyond its 17 syllables.

49reasons

14 years 2 months ago

Jess

haiku's should engage the mind and leave the reader with the feeling of.... ah ha from the last line.

Now you have me pondering the use of susurrating in this piece :)

thanks

raj

14 years 2 months ago

very appealing Haiku...i

very appealing Haiku...i found it captivating my mind...