Neopoet Weekly 10/19/24 to 10/26/24

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HAPPY HALLOWEEN

Let's have some fun she said
I watched her ass swing left and
right

Perfectly stuck out as she carried
a plastic

bag into the bathroom slapping on
the lights with her tomb stone shaped
nails decorated in ghosts and ghouls.

Shutting the door keeping my
prying
eyes away. Minutes later the door
flew open and out came beauty.

My orbs sprung out as she
revealed
a new outfit.

But I couldn't see her head because
it was
covered inside a bonfire coloured
pumpkin.
Her thighs were wrapped with
seductive
fish nets and her wasp sized waist was

In a midnight black corset, thighs sprung out
with a sucked in tummy. My heart beated
like a native american drum

I couldn't reach my lips to hers, she pushed
them away. Behind her
back she hid a dark secret I found out later.

It slammed into my heart causing extreme
pain, it plunged into me again and again,
i ripped out a scream but it fell nowhere.
Red hot splashes leapt from the knife,
the bed vibrated stuck to my back soaked

happy
Halloween, was the last
words my ears, heard before blackout.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Rough as f

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

Comments

neopoet

8 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem uses vivid imagery and a narrative structure to create a suspenseful Halloween-themed piece. However, there are areas where clarity and consistency could be improved.

Firstly, the narrative flow is somewhat disrupted by the inconsistent use of punctuation and line breaks. For example, "Bag into the bathroom slapping on / the lights with her tomb stone shaped / Nails decorated in ghosts and ghouls." The capitalization of 'Bag' and 'Nails' is confusing and disrupts the flow of the poem. Consider revising the punctuation and line breaks to improve the readability and flow of the poem.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of metaphor and simile. In some instances, the metaphors are clear and effective, such as "tomb stone shaped / Nails decorated in ghosts and ghouls." In other instances, the metaphors are more difficult to interpret, such as "her wasp sized waist." Consider revising these metaphors to ensure they contribute to the overall theme and tone of the poem.

Finally, the poem's shift in tone from playful to violent is abrupt and may be jarring for some readers. While this shift may be intentional to create a sense of shock or surprise, it could be executed in a way that is more consistent with the overall tone and theme of the poem. Consider revising the transition to ensure it aligns with the rest of the poem.

In summary, this poem has a strong narrative structure and uses vivid imagery to create a suspenseful Halloween-themed piece. However, improvements could be made in terms of punctuation, metaphor use, and tone consistency.

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