Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Mar 14, 2016
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:
March 2016 - Acrostic - Prize -$25 USD Amazon.com Gift Certificate
A Happy Song
O pulent daffodils, how ye rush
U pon the fields with golden blush
T inkling morning's quiet birth
S usurrus sounds to tickle the earth
Teasing scent for the plain to wear
A top the hills here and there
'N nod a hey to shining moon
D rooling nectars off berries' bloom
I nearly hear the raven's cry
"N o more hail shall weep the sky"
G o ye winter, return with agains
S hutter dry to nourish the plain
C omely face the realm of Spring
E very season with much to bring
N o sleet to fall, cover the panes
E fflorescence in all its gains
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
raj
9 years 3 months ago
Hi Rula
Good sprightly song welcoming spring runs pretty smooth on the tongue with a good rhythm...perhaps you may want to work on the lines 13 & 14 ...not sure but I thought you might...
Regards,
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
thank you raj
I understand what you mean. The problem is that I am a bit restricted by the first letter, (if that is what you wanted) for as you might have noticed this is written for March contest. It is an acrostic.
I much appreciate your application and your thoughts.
raj
9 years 3 months ago
Oh...sorry Rula...I didn't
Oh...sorry Rula...I didn't realize it's an acrostic although you have first alphabet of each lone in Upper case...i [dumb me :) ] now know what you mean...
Regards,
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
it is my fault raj
may be I should have put the first letters in bold for easier recognition.
Always appreciate your visit.
raj
9 years 3 months ago
Hi again Rula
A suggestion
Instead of choosing advanced formatting, you can also do it this way to indicate this is an acrostic...
O pulent daffodils how they rush
U pon March fields with golden blush
T inkling morning's quiet birth with
S usurrus sounds to tickle the earth
Regards,
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
Thank you raj
did it the way you've suggested.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Highly appreciated.
scribbler
9 years 3 months ago
An Acrostic
with rhyme is in all ways better than a simple acrostic..........stan
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
hello Stan
I am happy to know that you like it, or at least what I have implicitly understood. ;)
eightmenout
9 years 3 months ago
dearest Rula
This one feels forced to me with changes to rhyme and meter to apply the acrostic. But the language is beautiful and this one could be very good. Have you read it aloud?
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
I can't agree more
Scott. I sometimes went for iamb and others for trochaic. I think I should have gone without rhymes so it would read more as free form.
Any suggestions for improvement are really welcome coz this one drove me almost crazy for a week. I insisted to challenge myself though.
Maybe you like to give it a shot?
I really appreciate your kind visit.
eightmenout
9 years 3 months ago
Dearest Rula
My take on your lovely work:
O pulent daffodils in rush
U pon fields with a golden blush
T aking morning quiet in birth
S ubtle sounds to tickle the earth
T easing scent for the plain to wear
A top the hills and here and there
'N nod a hey to shining moon
D rooling nectars off berries' bloom
I ntent to wail a raven's cry
"N o more hail shall weep the sky."
G o ye winter, return with gains
S hutter dry to nourish the plains
C omely face is the realm of Spring
E very season with much to bring
N o sleet shall fall, cover the panes
E fflorescence in all its gains
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
Thank you scott
and many thanks for the time you've devoted to improve this one. I highly appreciate the effort.
Let me think over it. I promise to read it again with fresh eyes and see what I can do with it.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
Hello Scott again
I think I did a balanced edits. I like the words "tinkling" and "susurrus" and unless they are not used right "semantically or grammatically, I'd like to keep them. What do you think?
raj
9 years 3 months ago
Sounds good to me Rula...
Sounds good to me Rula...
what is even more good is that besides the Acrostic you also have a nice rhyme pattern...that's an extra degree of difficulty you have attained...
Regards...
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
thank you raj
really really appreciate your second visit and the words of encouragement
eightmenout
9 years 3 months ago
Dearest Rula
Significant edits. I think some more commas are probably necessary to control flow and I struggle with "agains". That is just muy humble two cents.
And then there's the rhyme. The beginning verses leave me wanted it throughout. I think it should go one way or the other. That is with the rhyme or without.
That being said. Your language and imagery is elegant as always. I can appreciate the poem as it is, were it not for understanding your potential for greater achievement (wish some of out would rub off on me).
Please read the avoid as compliments as that they are.
Thanks
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
deares scott
I think I shall go with no punctuation for this one as I chose to capitalize the first letter. I also thought the rhymes are ok unless I am not realizing what you are pointing.
The "agains" was a typo, so I appreciate the hawk's eye.
I really can't thank you enough for your time.
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
Thank you raj
I got the idea of rhyming acrostic from our dear Ian. If you got the chance to read his submission.
Also you and Scott helped me in smoothing the flow. Happy to know that you like it.
Best regards
Sparrow
9 years 3 months ago
Rula Salaam
A great write and spot on with the scene of the seasons,
Go well and know we are here with you,
Yours always Ian..
Rula
9 years 3 months ago
thank you Ian
I thought I left a thank you note to you for your kind words.
Thank you dear Ian for your visit.