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Jan 19, 2018
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Heart Tugs [Attempt at Sunku]
I hear
your heart beats
across ocean
Its waves
in frenzy
cause commotion
Grey clouds
swirl above
consume our blues
[revised trimmed version]
===========================================
[original version]
i could sense you were thinking about us
when I looked up
and watched the Moon
streaking through an overcast sky
the same crescent,
I knew you were watching
in that moment of the craving
moments later
a droplet of rain upon my lips
moistened my eyes
and soon the rain
was drizzling through my eyes
as the wind picked up a notch
the branches danced wildly
a solitary leaf seeking warmth
I barely managed to clasp
and upon it caressed your feelings
I brought it home
kissed it like only you know
searching a place to comfort
i laid it flat in my diary
on the cushion of
February fourteenth
Holding the diary
close to my heart
so you could hear my heart beats
serenading for you
a lullaby
soon after
I opened the diary once again
kissing it gently
craving for you to feel
as always
my lips caressing your eyelids
I heard a beep
hurriedly reached for my cell
your lips whispered in that text
"Thank you,
was missing you big time"
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Writing after months, so a bit rusty
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lovedly
7 years 5 months ago
....
I knew you were watching
in that moment of the craving
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
Good poem
Good poem
I don't understand these two lines
a droplet of rain upon my lips
moistened my eyes
"drizzling through my eyes" sounds strange to me
Then repetition of the word heart I think is unnesesary
"Holding the diary close
so you could hear my pulse"
raj
7 years 5 months ago
Thanks IRiz for the visit and
Thanks IRiz for the visit and appreciate your leaving comments. I will re look at those and edit where necessary...or may even opt to unpublish this...
Regards...
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
Hey, do not unpublished, my
Hey, do not unpublished, my questions are ment to ask not to kill.
Just keep up writing. But try not to use poetic words too much, and when going through the drafts ask whether you see what you wrote, whether you mean every word, and do not be afraid to spell out and expand some parts and remove others. How many drafts you usually going through before publishing?
raj
7 years 5 months ago
Hi IRiz
Thanks for your sound advise. I will keep in mind of looking and relooking at the drafts atleast a couple of time, which so far I haven't been doing much and rather posting impulsively.
Thanks again dear friend...
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
Think about a poem as a
Think about a poem as a project that one day someone will be reading when you are long gone.
Mary Oliver went to fifty drafts per poem. One can tell that it there are well thought lines.
I go through five drafts if poem is long. It is hard to count them though because the editing process is often continuous.
raj
7 years 5 months ago
Well Said IRiz...i will keep
Well Said IRiz...i will keep that in mind and will definitely use revise and edit options as many times as necessary...to the extent that other than the theme (heart strings connection irrespective of the physical distance between lovers),you may find an entirely renovated piece of this one in times to come...
Regards....
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
Looking forward to seeing
Looking forward to seeing your work.
You have what it takes.
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
I think you lost a lot of
I think you lost a lot of content in your last version
The first stanza reflects and condensed the beginning of the poem perfectly. I love it.
I hear
your heart beats
across ocean
The second takes you away from your love to the ocean.
Is it what you want? Why don't you go back to your feelings, like that for example?
Its waves
in frenzy
I crave for you
sudden calm
your message
I start breathing
raj
7 years 5 months ago
Thanks friend for your time
Thanks friend for your time to revisit this poem and leaving a comment. I will seriously consider revising Stanza 2 & 3 proposed by you...
regards and thanks again...
IRiz
7 years 5 months ago
Don't have to.
Don't have to.
Poetry is subjective art
Have a nice day
raj
7 years 5 months ago
You are right about there
You are right about there being no compulsion to change. However, I am open minded and will dwell on suggestions coming from the likes of you whom I hold in high regard and only if necessary will tweak up the poem...
Keep suggesting...
regards..