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arja
arja
Aug 29, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

(Read More...)

A Heartache From Within

Trapped within this adversary,
memorizing each agony,
of an era filled with pain,
with nothing to gain...

Seeing each other’s sorrow,
from a moment that's borrowed,
stolen by an entity,
leaving our souls empty...

Why do we let ourselves fall,
into the hands of those who control?
Our cry for democracy lost,
where we fought for freedom the most.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Makati City, Philippines, PHL

Favorite Poets: Unknown poets who reach out and be heard through crafted words, that are pieces of life..

More from this author

Comments

arja

arja

12 years 10 months ago

thanks!

I joined to learn and appreciate the guidance..i agree, will do the changes! :)

arja

arja

12 years 10 months ago

..thanks, i've already

..thanks, i've already changed the "without" to "with nothing --". I was imagining myself in the 70's era here in the Philippines,
"The Martial Law" -- during the Marcos Regim. Where people were really struggling for democracy..

Rula

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

Memorable it is !!

for me it is I think memorable because it aches . I felt my heart "slipping away" with your words of agony, sorrow, fall , lost and empty and not to forget trapped which for me sets the scene well for me as a sad read.

It is too mindful because it evokes both the feelings and the thoughts upon what's happening around us all over the world

I think I would capitalize the first word of each stanza or at least Trapped in the first stanza but it is always my honest opinion

It really touched my heart dear araj

arja

arja

12 years 10 months ago

..yes, that was actually what

..yes, that was actually what I wanted to convey.. a memory of a place filled with sadness, where in I wanted to leave the reader thinking..whether this should go on..or else, we should make a difference..

..as for the feel of capitalizing the letter of each word beginning in each stanza..hmmm, I am thinking about that..but I was trying to concieve each stanza as a thought running through one's mind (freedom / like thinking out loud).. still thinking about it though, and looking forward to more of your honest opinions as always.. :)

weirdelf

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

Love the content!

but why the ellipses? They detract. I am guessing you were trying to portray thoughts as they re-occur in your life, but I do not believe ellipses are the way to do it.

I love that you have not given up on democracy, despite the despair we all feel at times.

You are an intelligent and beautiful poet and your work is worth more than you think it is.

arja

arja

12 years 10 months ago

ellipses

..hmmm, i see what you mean. Perhaps if I change the beginning of each paragraph as previously suggested by Rula, then trail off with ellipses - as intended initially to give the reader time to think things over. I'll do some changes and see the effect, else would you have any suggestions?

..also thanks for the continous guidance & support. :)

judyanne

judyanne

12 years 9 months ago

i tried to pick a line

to say was one i felt most memorable - and couldn't -they are all worthy

as rula says-it pulls at the heartstrings
love judy
xxx

Esker

Esker

12 years 9 months ago

Just some alterations of your grand poem

" for a moment thats been borrowed
stolen by an entity
leaves our souls withdrawn and emptied

Do we let ourselves decline
into the hands of those controlling>
Cry out for democratic loss
where we fought for freedom
Foremost at cost! "

I like this poem its gentle and strong
and well worded

I remember reading Poe of all people
in his rolling works of words and rhyme
and I applied it here

Just my version of course!

Thank You

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

10 years 7 months ago

Heartache from within

Another poem I enjoy reading. I suppose everybody has a struggle that causes their heart to ache from within. No critique I can offer as its flawless from my viewpoint.