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Oct 12, 2020
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heaven's open doors
Take me into your open arms
take me out of this horrid harm
I'm falling apart piece by piece
I need your help and this pain to cease
so help me rest and help me last
and when I finally come to your rugged path
let me in and please don't laugh
my hair is cut and a rugged brown
my face is scarred with a permanent frown
my clothes are torn and my skin is leathery
my eyes are dark and my brain is feathery
my hands are bloody but still have strength
my posture is bad but my form has length
my teeth are yellow and I don't have a lot
my fingernails are worn and I've begun to rot
I'm not dead yet and I will try to survive
to get to heaven's doors which are always open wide
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
4 years 8 months ago
I have enjoyed...
this poem a lot. I know that you know someone like this; even if it is just in passing. Maybe someone you see as you pass by them on the street. I know too, that you smile at them and wish them a good day! I was touched by your portrayal of their face and demeanor. Typos - [always] in the last line and [permite]? I think you mean [permanent]. ~ Geezer.
.
Ray Whitaker
4 years 8 months ago
I’m curious about the use of white space
I like the piece.
Why did you separate your lines? The rhythm and rhyme strive to connect, it seems to me. Ah, however what do I know? It’s a great piece.
Viviana Smith
4 years 8 months ago
Its ok
do you think it would look and flow better with the lines together? I'm not one to judge i'm an amateur.
Ray Whitaker
4 years 8 months ago
Whitespace
As i understand it, can be used for emphasis, organization, direction of the images in the piece. I bet someone else here with a elevated writing/literature degree might chime in here.
Keep up your good work!
Gracy
4 years 8 months ago
Hi Viv, love your poem. A lot
Hi Viv, love your poem. A lot of us must feel this way with the pandemic. We're getting old and brittle with no end in sight, except Heaven's door.
I think you have one extra beat in the last line, at least. Didn't check all your poem, I'm an amateur at forms.
The title, spacing, theme and all else are fine. Enjoyed.
Best, Gracy