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HERE AM I

My father’s words re-echo
From the grave where he lay
I look for a snail in the day
Mates made good theirs at night

Separation is the knife that cuts
Loneliness trails me in the crowd
With you in thought all day long
Your cold presence chills my bone

Numbness mocked by distance
Attempted to erase my existence
From love to hate, battle declared
I can’t force you into your dislikes

You hate snail, but like its sauce
With half of me still there with you
You can’t erase the beautiful broods
With the great love you have for them

Here am I stripped naked by weather
In a wilderness of implicit reality
And a mesh of high muck domes
Looking for entrance way to get out

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: NGA

Favorite Poets: Inspired by an article in an old manuscript , It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics

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Comments

Roscoe Lane

Roscoe Lane

13 years 7 months ago

This has,

This has potential, but still needs some work. I was going to say there was a message that got lost when you go from snails to the person, but a light just went on as i read it for the fourth time. Still this needs some work but don't stray to far from your original style. Regards Roscoe...