honkas - prose to poetry workshop (final edit) - further addition especially for jess

The prose was really good. The boy seek adventure in creating something from the pvc as he seen his father do. Then the encounter with the honkas. Love the story in prose. I read the poetry first to see what I got from it. Was a bit vague for me to grasp the full meaning. My fault as I never heard of honkas. I did understand after second read the poetry version. :-) very good indeed. Without a dictionary at every turn I'm lost.

Thank goodness you wrote that Judy, I had the same thought, I was actually quite concerned since I see you as a very good writer, I DO think this is prose too, I know what you mean about it being hard, I found that the pieces I wrote 3 different styles initially, either just ended up as very near prose or unarguably prose, or else they didn't contain much of the info I felt was important if I made them less prosey (less conversational, more descriptive etc.)... The only way I seemed to get the happy medium was to make the jolly prose rhyme... Sigh ..., it is challenging in an entirely different way than I thought it would be!

Good job here by the way.
Anni

Having already gathered some commentary I guess I can put in my penny worth. I get the feeling you rushed through this and pretty much just rearranged the prose into stanzas. In my opinion this could use a bit of imagery and restructuring for better flow. Now I just read your above comment and I look forward to your edit as I know you can do much better..........stan

Back from reading and comparing you edit. Much more poetic than 1st submission.I think the added imagery and concise form is what did it. Only thing I can think to suggest is maybe beginning 2nd line with "amid"......OUCH!......there goes another nose hair lmao. BTW..please hit the button where it says "select if your comment is your official.........it put that neat boarder around the comment and makes it look like we know what we're doing......stan

I reread the Syllabus and its says simple prose to ALL form of poetry. So to say a form of poetry whether free form or rhyme defeats the purpose of the workshop makes your task harder I feel. Whatever form gets the job done I think. I either choose my form or let the poem develop as I write. I don't think we should limit ourselves on what form we should and should not use. That defeats the purpose to me and take all the fun out of the workshop. I'm just saying.

I reread the Syllabus and its says simple prose to ALL form of poetry. So to say a form of poetry whether free form or rhyme defeats the purpose of the workshop makes your task harder I feel. Whatever form gets the job done I think. I either choose my form or let the form develop as I write my poem. I don't think we should limit ourselves on what form we should and should not use. That defeats the purpose to me and take all the fun out of the workshop. I'm just saying.

Before I review, it might help me to know what Honkas are? let me know and I will get back to it, Thanks.

always, Cat

Honkas are imaginary creature Jess came up with..........stan

I am honoured.

Somehow I did not get the difference between the adult world and the honka world. Maybe it wasn't there in the prose, but I would have loved to see it there in the poetry.

Definitely more poetic now, good work... it is harder than I thought it would be to remain true to the prose details & create free-form poetry. Dare I suggest we should play with getting more vague with the details to produce better poems (bit of "poetic license" so to speak... sorry bad pun!).

Stan, after we work through all this I would LOVE it if everyone then turned their own prose into a poem... jumping the gun for sure, but, I have wondered, after each read, how the original writer would create a poem from their work...

you know, those flying dinosaurs?
They were with me for as early as I can remember, food, friend and foe, and the friends introduced me to elves.

My dad was an engineer and went totally spare at the Heisenberg principle and Quantum Theory, if 1+1 didn't equal 2 he turned to god.

There is the background

Look for subtext! Invent! The poem, despite my complaints, is yours now.

I'm back. On my second read through, with the understand of Honkas, I got alot more from the read. I must say, I am more Science Fantasy than Science Fiction. I found this to be a humorous read.I don't know if ti was intended to be or not. I feel there could have been more imagery in the poem, towards the description of Honkas. I liked this part best:

He will stay where trapped,
wait it out ‘til rescued
safest where he is
hiding
testing parent ire
unbelievers that they are

always, Cat

personally I think it could use some paring down, and I'm not convinced of the last line, the parents are not so much unbelievers as blissfully unaware of the perils.

I would have loved you to strip it back to its barest ideas and imagery and build a poem from that.

We can't be afraid of not realising the full vision of the author, or they would have written a poem.

On the other hand, we can do better, by allowing ourselves poetry.

Good edit! I enjoyed the read. I think you did a fine job of it. It is very hard to turn someone elses prose into poetry, but you did it very well! I like your descriptions, here:

in this narrow space
between fence and shed
they roar in frustrated mania
smelling meat
but wings that will not fold
and legs thick and monstrous
catch on the edges of the alley
hinder their approach

always, Cat

full and stripped versions,
thank you.

I loved the stripped version best.
It brought it simply to the point
Words are pretty things to use but mostly
the less the better .. well
sometimes lol
but reallly enjoyed this

Ultimate stripped version : "I'm Scared!" lol. In my opinion you brought this right along. Taking our own simple thoughts and turning them to poetry is hard enough. Trying to turn another's into such is much more difficult because we always second guess the intended meaning. ..............stan

in the original workshop, Stan.
I found it impossible to work with the idea without stripping the prose down to bare basics and building a poem from that, as I did with Barbara's. Others tried to be more literal.

Like this final edit Judy... especially these lines:
honkas

not the small
those tender succulent
sumptuous joy

nor the huge
pinioned transport that soar
up and beyond
to enchantment
and lands where strange people live

but these, the medium-sized
long sharp teeth and giant wings
aggressive
hungry

in this narrow space
between fence and shed
they roar in frustrated mania
smelling meat
but wings that will not fold
and legs thick and monstrous
catch on the edges of the alley
hinder their approach

& of course the last with their wit & mischief.

I think I would have struggled with this perhaps & you have made it quite a graceful poem... Bravo woman, it's been a pleasure to witness the transformations too.

Cheers
Anni