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Dec 05, 2014
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Hopeless Romantics
We were so young
with our bellies full of naivety.
We scorned the sun
that cast shadows on our fragility.
We rode the wind
and never left room for any doubt.
We fought with time
like it was never going to run out.
But we were young
and love was still a lesson to be learned.
How could we know
that we died a little as the world turned?
We were anxious
and in a hurry for life to begin.
No one told us
that we would never feel this way again.
For we were young
and bold enough to say never,
but far too young
to ever say forever.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 7 months ago
a clever ending scott
a somehow light-hearted piece when compared to your dark ones. For some reason I didn't much like line 3 and 4 S. 1. Not sure why though, but I find them out off the consistent logic that goes through out the piece.
But of course I expect you'd prefer to take more than one opinion before you decide anything.
eightmenout
10 years 7 months ago
Rula
Thank you for stopping by. I will revisit this lines.
judyanne
10 years 7 months ago
hello scott
excellent write - it made me feel quite menancholy -
great rhyme, and in the most case, great rhythm
to my ear, meter is out in stanza 1 verses 6 and 8
also, regarding ‘like’ and ‘never’...
imo ‘like’ is a word to be avoided.. i think it has its uses – humorous poetry for example, but....
and you have used ‘never’ twice, and too close together – unless you want to emphasise it (and i don’t think it works well if that’s your thought – but i stress this is just my opinion)
so my suggestion is
‘and left no room for doubt
We fought with time
as if it would never run out'
i enjoyed this poem - thank you for sharing
and btw - reading rula's comment - i disagree - i like those lines :)
love judy
xxx
eightmenout
10 years 7 months ago
Judy
Thank you for taking the time to leave such a detailed review. I appreciate it and will reciprocate when I can.
I agree with the use of never, not certain about like, though. It does have its place in language.
Glad you enjoyed it and thanks again.