Hostile Love

“Our love is hostile,” he said to me.
At first, I didn’t quite understand what he meant.
Because what we were to each other
had become normal for me.

Our chaos became a constant in my life.
We would fight.
We were malicious with each other.
Our words were spiteful,
full of resentment.

Every moment could become turbulent
given one wrong word.
Always in a rush,
to get away from each other.

Leaving him was the hardest thing I’d ever done,
losing us was losing half of myself.

I thrived in disorder.
Instability was my foundation
Confusion made sense to me.

---

He was a breath of fresh air
on a cold, Christmas morning
He reminded me that it was okay to take my time,
slow down, and not rush through life.

Grocery shopping was like a stroll through a park.
Going on a hike was about the journey,
not the destination, and we took it slow,
stopping to climb a log, take pictures of leaves,
and touch the water in the stream.

Sleeping on his shoulder,
feeling his chest rise and fall under my hand

Life is just simple now
Peaceful,
Like the breeze rustling the leaves

I get to live a life with him.
Full of love and peace
Full of compassion and understanding
I feel safe with him,
Mind, body, and soul.

I’m unlearning chaos,
disrupting old patterns
and cleaning up the mess hostile love left behind.