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May 10, 2013
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The House Painter
He works,
a dialogue of tide ebbs and flows.
He works,
a paradigm of clouds tantalise triumphantly in procession.
He engages with the polemics of a ceiling's defects of character,
beauty happens.
He finds the line and talks with a wall's memories,
beauty happens
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
12 years 2 months ago
l like both the title
and the analogy that you've created through out very much.
But, I don't like the repitition in both stanzas.
Also the word happen doesn't look to be the right word but I can't suggest an alternative
May be "fills the place/space?"
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
hmmm... this is a problem.
What I was trying to convey, sub-textually, through the use of repetition, is that it is an often repetitive, and basically not very intellectually demanding job. Is that my failure or your reading?
'happens' definitely stays. It means a kind of serendipity, beauty through chance and appreciation.
It just happens.
Geremia
12 years 2 months ago
And very successfully done.
And very successfully done.
Joe
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
ta
Joe
Rula
12 years 2 months ago
probably it's me
Well ! With your explanation the repitition might work for the first stanza but not for the second, not for.me at least.
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
the repetition is the structure
He works,
He works,
beauty happens.
beauty happens
how can I address this?
ps I am being purposely provocative and argumentative here because
1.) I need to know and
2.) You are now a Mentor and need to know how to deal with shit like this,
Rula
12 years 2 months ago
I accept the challenge
What I am sure of is that the repetition of two full lines in such a small poem is weakening its structure.(at least what I've learned from dear Judy)..Why wouldn't someone call for her?! :(
If it were mine, though I don't like to suggest alternatives but find it enough to point out the weaknesses especially if I am not fully aware of the author intents .
He thoughtlessly works,
a dialogue of tide ebbs and flows.
and
a paradigm of clouds tantalise triumphantly in procession.
He engages with the polemics of a ceiling's defects of character,
he finds the line and talks with a wall's memories,
Beauty happens
Hope this meets somehow your thoughts.
let's see what others offer.
Ps..Becoming a mentor doesn't mean I must be always ready with magical alternatives . . I only offer suggestion and it's the author who has the final decision to take it or leave it.
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
He works undmindful,
He works undmindful,
a dialogue of tide ebbs and flows,
a paradigm of clouds
tantalise triumphantly
in procession.
He engages the polemics
of a ceiling's defects,
He finds the line
and talks with a wall's memories,
beauty happens
Hmmm, you know what? There is something here that I like. And something lost too.
Thanks so much for your time and thoughtful critique, Rula
Esker
12 years 2 months ago
Im a mere poet..
rain fills the sunlight missing
like a substance
the wind a hush
I like the repetition here
for me it works..
Im very happy to see a provocative work
from you Elf....
Thank You
I shall return to this another day as My hour is up
here.....
Monday or perhaps Saturday
Car show tommorrow and possible
snow
I like the repetition
Thank You!
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
glad to hear from you mate
thank you
Ian.T
12 years 2 months ago
Jess
This one works as it is, just a tiny bit cryptic but needs to be read a couple of times.
The title helps a great deal, I think it would be a good exercise to sort out the fixing of a title for a poem.
Do we write a title first, then a poem or the reverse, me personally I just write then sorts out a title, after trying to read what I have written.
Would make a workshop as there are many that struggle with titles..
Yours Ian.T
PS:- good to see that you have regained a lot of your poetic ways...
weirdelf
12 years 2 months ago
Thanks Ian
We did a workshop on titles ages ago.
Time for another one?
Geezer
12 years 2 months ago
I do agree...
that the repetition works, if only to emphasize the tediousness of the job. It's not like you are painting a masterpiece, just somewhere and something to live in. Most contractors don't want artistry, they want flat-white and a blank sort of canvas that the tenet will want to put their mark upon. It's kind of like when you sell a car. You should remove all the bumper-stickers and personal decoration from the car, so the prospective buyer only sees what they can do with it. About time we've seen something with feeling that matters to you. ~ Gee