hummingbird of las briesis

life goes by
as fast as hummingbirds
on tiny wings
too full of motion to see
she's not restless like me
she knows her place
finds her duty and
applies it

searching for nectar
stopping only
to realign herself

i watch from the balcony
her busy attitude reminds me
i cannot be tied
cannot be settled
always knowing there is more

and like the hummingbird
the next flower is adventure
next new scent
next new person i meet

i hope i will be
a blur of color
a minute of a smile
as it crosses your face

to know i will never be still

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I saw my first ever hummingbird today :)

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac

Comments

Race_9togo

14 years 2 months ago

I like this,

but I think it needs some work.

First stanza, I would re-write something like this:

"life flies by
fast as hummingbirds
on shimmered wings
too fast to see;
she's not restless like me,
she knows her place,
finds her duty and
applies it"

"pollen" should be "nectar"

3rd stanza, line 3:

"how i can't be tied"

I would drop the "how" and replace "can't with "cannot", which make the stanza more active, and keeps your original cadence on that line.

A good poem,l Chez. I like the metaphor.

CCfire

14 years 2 months ago

With respect, 'shimmered'

With respect, 'shimmered' seems too cliche and not applicable, you can't even see their wings lol well my eyes can't. The other advises I will take into consideration

weirdelf

14 years 2 months ago

"to never be still"

makes the whole poem.

CCfire

14 years 1 month ago

Thanks Jess, yeah the last

Thanks Jess, yeah the last part is important. Cheers