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Sep 18, 2023
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This poem is part of the contest:
Neopoem Of The Week September 17th to September 23rd 2023
I Am The Sun
I am the sun, I am the sky
The light that shines with wonderous eyes
I am the moon, I am the stars
The meteors that shower Mars
I am the earth, I am the roots
The trees that tower flowers bloomed
I am the rock, I am the stone
The minerals that hold below
I am the North, I am the South
That gives direction to each cloud
I am the wind, I am the breeze
The elements that flow with ease
I am the fire, I am the heat
Igniting dreams that spark each beat
I am the birth, I am the breath
The essence bringing nature's rest
I am the sun, I am the sky
I worship to the world devine
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I hope you enjoy :) - Skye
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Triskelion
1 year 9 months ago
This is...
...really sweet. It's simplicity is absolutely charming. I might have been inclined to flip the last two lines, but, yeah, simply sweet.
Thomas
Flower Girl
1 year 9 months ago
Triskelion
Thank you for taking the time to read and absorb my poem.
I understand what you mean about the last two lines. I, myself was also feeling a little unfulfilled by the ending but have come up with an alternative finish.
Instead of:
"I am the birth, I am the breath
The essence that brings nature’s rest
I am the sun, I am the sky
I worship to the world devine”
It would be:
"I am the birth, I am the breath
The essence bringing nature's rest
I am the peace, I am the light
The power of creating life"
Thank you again for your comment and let me know what you think of the change :)
- Skye
Triskelion
1 year 9 months ago
Hi Flower Girl..
..concerning the last two lines, and complementing the overall "feel" of your poem, I need to side with Lavender. It seems that once I'm impressed with the poem's ambiance, it's hard to shake that and of course, a mild discrimination (not the negative type) comes in play, so maybe I'm not the best one to bounce things off of second time around. A fresh set of eyes might be in order.
I like the change you made in L16 since the metre is correct.
I look forward to more of your work as your vocabulary expands.
Heh, just realizing your name, I consciously stuck it in the first line as
"I am the sun, my name is Skye"...nutty hunh?
Lots of talented writers here willing to help avid writers.
Good luck to you!
Thomas
Geezer
1 year 9 months ago
Delightful...
yet, I can't help feeling that it would have been nice to keep the rhyme going as it was, and so well too!
Not too late, that's why we have editing. ~ Geezer.
.
Lavender
1 year 9 months ago
I Am The Sun
Hello, Skye,
I agree - this is lovely. I also agree about the last two lines. It might be cool for the final thought to echo the first. Refreshing poetry.
Lavender
Ruby Lord
1 year 9 months ago
This is very good, I
This is very good, I practically sang it as I was reading. It has a lovely rhythm and flow and it draws the reader deep into the lines. Well done, Ruby :)