Jackweb

Aug 05, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem of The Week Contest July 31 to August 6 2022

(Read More...)

I CAN FEEL YOU

I can feel your love everywhere
like a cloud in the sky
I will always hop on
I will relax in
the scent of your love

Like the fragrance of jasmine
your love is alluring
I see the beauty of your face
and I will always love you
never stopping

Whenever you are near
your presence electrifies me
I am so happy
like a baby at the breast
your baby boy

I can feel you all day
I think about you constantly
I wonder what it would be like
curious and refreshed
I am yours always

©® Onyinyechi Cosmos Etu

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo, Wole soyinka, Maya Angelou, W.H. Longfellow, John Milton, W.B. Yeat.

Comments

Geezer

2 years 11 months ago

I am unsure...

of how to respond to your work, because I don't know where you want to go with it. On the one hand, I like it as is, because it shows the emotion and thinking in your own language, but I will say that it may not appeal to many English readers because of the differences in syntax. If you are alright with the fan base that you now have and haven't many cares about where to go
with it, I cannot help you with language. It would be very difficult for me to think and write in your language. If you want to improve your English writing and write in a manner that will attract more fans, I can help; but it means rewriting some of your lines and placement of words and phrases. I do like your thoughts and work; I am just unsure of how to proceed. ~ Geez.
.

Jackweb

2 years 11 months ago

Go ahead and point out

And proceed from somewhere. Advice will be taken..
.

Ray Whitaker

2 years 11 months ago

Nice piece, Onyinyechi

the mention of a possible language impedance by Geezer is valid. nonetheless i would suggest the following

S1L2 add an "a" between the and Love
S1L5 "your love scents" maybe "smelling our love together"
S3L4 put an "a" or "the" before "Brest"
S4L3&4 could be less clumsy. What are you attempting to get across in these two lines?

I like the form you've got.

Jackweb

2 years 11 months ago

Much appreciated Ray!

A critical evaluation does not simply highlight negative impressions. It should deconstruct the work and identify both strengths and weaknesses. It should examine the work and evaluate its success, in light of its purpose.

Your suggestions are all good.
Thank you so much!
.

Geezer

2 years 10 months ago

I tried...

hard not to change the intent of your poem
by addressing each line separately. I tried to make the last two lines
make sense and hope that I got it right

I can feel your love everywhere
like a cloud in the sky
I will always hop on
I will relax in
the scent of your love

Like the fragrance of jasmine
your love is alluring
I see the beauty of your face
and I will always love you
never stopping

Whenever you are near
your presence electrifies me
I am so happy
like a baby at the breast
your baby boy

I can feel you all day
I think about you constantly
I wonder what it would be like
curious and refreshed
I am yours always.
.

Jackweb

2 years 11 months ago

Heart felt thanks Gee!

Geezer, you're a master indeed. I applaud your literary mind. Much appreciated!
.

Geezer

2 years 10 months ago

I don't know...

about bring a master, but I know that your piece resonated with me. As you might know, I am not really a writer of romance and rarely write of it myself; however, I knew of your intent with this one and thought I could help out. Glad you like my efforts.
~ Geez.
.,