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QueenPhoenix
QueenPhoenix
Jul 25, 2022 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the contest:

Neopopem Of The Week July 24 through July 30th 2022

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I cried

I cried and my tears fell to the earth
With no preconceived notion I was giving birth
The salt of my tears withered the grass
Yet the water from them, fed it, gave it mass
Because I cried my tears of pain
With no intentions of gain
I let them run down my face
Feeling each tear as they came out in haste
Because I cried my tears for my daughter's and I
My ancestors came to wipe my face dry
I would be the one to end it all
My great grands would never suffer this fall
Because I cried my tears and prayed for me, you, her and he
The wounds would heal letting me be
No more red eyes no more hurtful sighs
I healed the pain with a joyful goodbye
Because I cried one last time
The true crime was never mine
It was never meant for me to bare
I carried the load while they all stared
Because I cried in scorn and rejection
Not having any recollection
That my tears were being heard
Every drop of them carried away by a bird
Until I was risen and given this spoken word

About This Poem

Last Few Words: A poem written as I healed my childhood wounds.

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: U.S.A., USA

More from this author

Comments

QueenPhoenix

QueenPhoenix

2 years 11 months ago

Through my life I always felt

Through my life I always felt that I had healed the pain of my childhood trauma. I hadn't healed until I had to revisit my past circumstances. Only through seeing me of young was I able to heal.

Jackweb

Jackweb

2 years 11 months ago

Your rhyme pattern

Rhymes help emphasize the rhythm of your lyrics. They let us achieve a sense of tension that moves into resolution.

This is a display of mastery! Rhyming to the end.
Nice work!
.

Rosewood Apothecary

Rosewood Apothecary

2 years 11 months ago

I love it.

This is gorgeous. Excellent rhyme, good flow. It’s is however your willingness to expose your vulnerabilities that speak to me. Godspeed on your journey of self healing. Such a good poem.

“I cried and my tears fell to the earth
With no preconceived notion I was giving birth
The salt of my tears withered the grass
Yet the water from them, fed it, gave it mass
Because I cried my tears of pain
With no intentions of gain“

Really great!
Tim

Ray Whitaker

Ray Whitaker

2 years 11 months ago

It's a nice piece, well thought out

invoking the emotion of family, and the sadness that family brings sometimes.

I have a suggestion, however it is only with what you've paid for it... it's your piece...

I would put this in four line stanzas, with a one-liner at the end to cement the though you are conveying. If you use stanzas, it makes it more readable.

"I cried and my tears fell to the earth
With no preconceived notion I was giving birth
The salt of my tears withered the grass
Yet the water from them, fed it, gave it mass

Because I cried my tears of pain
With no intentions of gain
I let them run down my face
Feeling each tear as they came out in haste

Because I cried my tears for my daughter's and I
My ancestors came to wipe my face dry
I would be the one to end it all
My great grands would never suffer this fall

Because I cried my tears and prayed for me, you, her and he
The wounds would heal letting me be
No more red eyes no more hurtful sighs
I healed the pain with a joyful goodbye

Because I cried one last time
The true crime was never mine
It was never meant for me to bare
I carried the load while they all stared

Because I cried in scorn and rejection
Not having any recollection
That my tears were being heard
Every drop of them carried away by a bird

Until I was risen and given this spoken word"

maybe change three words in the last line as well: "Until I rise and give this written word"
This cements the whole piece.