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Dec 27, 2013
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I Cry
I Cry
What’s that you say I cannot write?
What the hell, you are talking shite
I have joined up words from the age of four
I still have love letters from her next door
Did you think she wouldn't write to me?
If I was illiterate don’t you see
She was lovely with golden curls
Much better than all the other girls
Oh! It’s my poetry you cannot stand
Oh! Well, why don’t you give me a hand
There are people in the world
Also many throughout this land
That I have written to in longhand
On serviettes and beer mats after eighteen
It was hidden in diaries before
Yes! have I mentioned the girl next door?
I was enchanted by all she did
A twitch of her head, hair swirling around
I still feel Faint as I did then
I still cry a tear and fall on the ground
Ok, Ok, I still talk of her so
The memory won’t let her beauty go
Now I is old and frail, and in a tiz
I often wonder where she is.
Leave me alone I want to cry
I will recover by and by
But I have held true to my ways
Pirouetting blazes of golden joy
Did I mention that she was a boy??
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Maybe I can lose the last line but I just wanted to make you smile a little before I edit it out, Sparrow put it there..La La
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
11 years 6 months ago
Great fun Ian
You did it! Can you see my smile?
It's your choice to keep the last line or lose it, but
I really like it :)
Thanks for sharing
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
Rula
i am sorry for missing your comment on this one, and I am so glad that it made you smile,
Thank you for your read and comment.
You take care out there and will talk later, Yours Ian.T
weirdelf
11 years 6 months ago
Leave the last line.
I once had a major infatuation with a boy on an opposing football team. The poor bugger! I tackled him at every opportunity, left him bruised and battered, ah, young love.
and cry, oh do cry, we all need to cry more, and have more hugs, and tackles [grins]
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
Jess
Thank you for your read and comment, both were appreciated as usual, this is purely fiction, I love the girls too much, lol
Yours Ian.T
Seren
11 years 6 months ago
Ian
I agree with Jess leave that last line in its really a good poem, I am back till the end of January so I have plenty of time to offer some suggestions if you don't mind I am going to just read tonight after a comment earlier I couldn't be arsed giving any critique lol
I hope you and Anne had a blessed Christmas
love always JC xxx
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
Jayne
Thanks for dropping in I see that you are here till the end of Jan so please just write and comment as you do and know we are Neopoet site not the sparks that don't last the night.
Yours as always Ian.Txx
Seren
11 years 6 months ago
Smile
I have already forgotten the 'billy' stuff I have no time for that shit in my life I am here to give what suggestions and critique I can offer to those that want my opinion, I don't suck anyones groin LMAO !! shit I am smiling so it cant be all bad hahaha ;)
love you JC xxx
billypringle
11 years 6 months ago
And the inspiration for this came from..
Deep in your soul where all your nonpareil writing finds it source, the pristine vistas of originality and honesty so valued by bards all over the world and which you seem to roam at will. Well done , some rhyming couplets and a stinging rebuttal of your creative bankruptcy.
Jimm
weirdelf
11 years 6 months ago
Jimm, you are being such a dick,
Find decent poets on Neopoet and give real crit. Otherwise I would have to join the general consensus of just fuck off. You are offering no constructive criticism, you are just being an arsehole.
billypringle
11 years 6 months ago
I understand your frustration...
When I come across petty moaners like this who seem to think that their pathetic gripes and personal shortcomings should be put into something they think is verse - people who take inspiration from other writers and use their resentment to take barely disguised swipes with less than mediocre language, drab colour, and everyday expressions as their witless weaponry - i can't critique constructively. Why? because the intention of the writer wasn't to edify his expression of disdain with intellect, cleverness if you will, or with even the slightest bit of grammatical correctness. instead it was to make me feel intimidated by his ornate and wordsmithing . Unfortunately the only thing i could point out to him was that it was drawn from a place of false inspiration which wouldn't allow "truth" to intervene and raise his game.
As to when I will critique someone's work , that will come when it comes. For the moment i am battling the prejudice and resentment of the federales and their witless companions Serengiddyup.
Jimm
Jimm
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
2014
Happy New Year Everyone
mand
11 years 6 months ago
Hi Ian
( I think we have an internet troll on our hands - certainly fits the description! ).
Liked the twist at the end of your poem. Lol
Hope you've had a good holiday - and have a happy and prosperous new year.
Keep safe
Love Mand xxxxx
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
2014
Happy New Year Everyone
mand
11 years 6 months ago
Hi Ian
Don't let him win! The whole idea of an internet troll is to cause rifts and arguments. You put in a lot of time and effort and you would be sorely missed. Ignore his comments - they are not worth listening too! If he was genuine his desire would be to want to help - that is what this site is about.
Keep safe my friend.
Love to you
Mand xxxxx
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
Mand
Hope you had a lovely Xmas and that the New Year brings only good things to your door.
You take care and know we are thinking of you,
Yours as always Ian.T
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
2014
Happy New Year Everyone
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
To Y'all
There was an echo on the site, this was a duplicate, Yours Ian.T
raj
11 years 6 months ago
Hi Ian
I am back here after a very long time. It was nice to read this write, as always, it has the spice of humor in it, like the bottom line. Will catch up with your other posts. ...raj
Ian.T
11 years 6 months ago
raj
Good to see you back hope you had a great holiday and our best wishes for the New Year, Take care and thanks for popping in, Yours Ian.T
alidzain
11 years 5 months ago
hello ian
this is a good one. just asking, though..
is the 'is' in stanza 6 line 3 'now I is old and frail" deliberate?
God bless,
Alid