I HAVE JUST ARRIVED edited DECEMBER CHALLENGE#10

I have just arrived cheerfully
in the worst weather
The sunset piercing my skin deeply
I can no longer punch the sky
through my eyelids
A note of warning to this season
with an "or else",
I shall blanket the Heavens!

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Imo State - Republic of Biafra(Nigeria), NGA

Favorite Poets: Late Christopher Okigbo, Wole soyinka, Maya Angelou, W.H. Longfellow, John Milton, W.B. Yeat.

Comments

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

I'm not quite...

getting the theme here. In being vague as to the message, you have lost the reader's interest. I'm sure that if you were to use some punctuation or made sure that the lines connected in some way, that it would prove to be a valuable part. I would suggest that adjusting the lines to end and begin rather than starting and ending haphazardly. The piece could be more understandable. I would write this piece like so:

Jackweb

3 years 7 months ago

That's why I am here

Thanks for your correction Gee...

Putting me through makes me strong and better.

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

I am glad...

that you see it that way and didn't come unglued and get offended. I thought that you would understand. We are not like most other poetry websites, where you get nothing but praise; or nothing at all! Most other poetry sites are for the ego and do nothing for helping you make better poetry. You have a very good chance at becoming a very good poet and if you hang around here and read other's work and take ideas from them, you will most certainly benefit from it. Keep on writing! ~ Geezer
.

Jackweb

3 years 7 months ago

That's why I am here

Thanks for your correction Gee...

Putting me through makes me strong and better.

Jackweb

3 years 7 months ago

Exactly,..

That true. You 've said it all. Your words are more than correction.
Your expertise is second to none.

I thank thee!

scribbler

3 years 7 months ago

hmmmm... hmmmm....

Does that make me seem thoughtful? lol.
In these 2 lines :cheerfully in a bullied
inclemency bad weather
I think you could consider either dropping "a" in first line or add "of" right before bad in line 2.
I read this as a warning of coming bad winter weather but that might be because we are under a severe weather alert here

Jackweb

3 years 7 months ago

Would you please

Put your own words and assemble the poem please for easy read. Remove the chaffs then put in perfect line.
I adhere everyone's advice.
Thanks.