I MISS YOU

I stay awake at the break of dawn..
Reminiscing about early stages of our love...
Smiles fill my cheek for a while...
A silent tear, a silent wish that You were nigh.....
But tears are colorless, my pillow would have testified...
Overwhelmed by your love, I turned a poet...
Ma tears will stop for now but will never run dry if u read this piece...
Till the gap between us is bridged forever....

About This Poem

Last Few Words: DO YOU THINK I COULD HAVE MADE IT LENGTHY ?

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Koforidua, GHA

Favorite Poets: efo dela, kwame write, yaw twum, poetra asantwaa, nana asaase, rhyme sonny, mellon, mutobo da poet, amma konadu, dzyardzom

Comments

Rula

11 years 4 months ago

Too many ellipsis

Please read here a short but very informative blog by sir Wesley Snow about these little dots

http://www.neopoet.com/wesley-snow/blog/thu-2014-02-20-0731
I stay awake at the break of dawn
Reminiscing
about (the) early stages
of our love

Smiles fill my cheek
for a while

A silent tear,
a silent wish that u(you)
were nigh

But
tears are colorless,
my pillow would av(have) testified ------------(I see no use of contraction here)

Overwhelmed by your love,
I turned a poet

Ma tears will stop for now
but will never run dry
if u read this piece
Till the gap between us is bridged

forever

I miss u my baby ( I'd drop this line as it is already said in the title)

Only thoughts. Shortening some lines makes a stronger affect (IMO). See if you like it better this way or discard altogether.
Thanks for sharing.

twg

11 years 3 months ago

grateful

Well I'm indebted to your advise and critic. I think its very appreciative..thanks

weirdelf

11 years 4 months ago

Rula's critique was spot on

I have little to add except to be a little tougher.
Those ellipses really need to go, they distract and detract rather than adding to the poem. And please, please never use 'u' for 'you', it might save time in text messaging but only trivialises what is otherwise a touching and effective poem.

Here is my reading, I find it often helps to hear my words in another's voice.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s0V3qK9Gs2Wz

raj

11 years 4 months ago

I am sure you would take into

I am sure you would take into account valid suggestions by Rula and Jess. Your poem is touching and can sense overwhelming emotions...

Regards,

wesley snow

11 years 4 months ago

I think the length is appropriate.

However, I must concur that shortcuts in spelling (even things like "Mr.") detract from the poem's legitimacy. Write what you feel, but write it in long hand and it will be taken more seriously.
This poem deserves it.
As for the "dialect", such as "ma" and the like- I would have liked to see more so that we actually felt a stronger accent. Too little seems like just more shortcutting.