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Mar 23, 2025
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For I would be but six feet tall
If only my bread was plain,
Not of tarnished grain.
Or that of a wonky gate.
My broken clock trait.
If only my path were smooth.
Not a pot ridden groove,
Or a rollercoaster ride,
Oh how I want to hide.
If only my being was garnished,
Not a coating so tarnished.
Or like a bug infested skin,
Fateful, as it wipes off my grin.
If only my mind was calm,
Not an annoying alarm.
Or a pulsing constant explosion,
Matching my bodily erosion.
If only my square peg,
Would fit in that circular hole.
Or shapes were not a thing at all.
For I would be but six feet tall.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses consistent metaphors and imagery to portray feelings of inadequacy, frustration, and longing for normalcy or acceptance. The repeated structure ("If only...") provides clarity and rhythm, enhancing readability and emotional resonance.
However, there are areas where the imagery could be sharpened for greater impact. For instance, the phrase "wonky gate" in the first stanza feels somewhat disconnected from the preceding bread metaphor ("tarnished grain"). Clarifying or strengthening the relationship between these images could help maintain thematic coherence.
Additionally, the final stanza introduces the metaphor of a "square peg" and "circular hole," which, while familiar, may feel somewhat cliché compared to the more original imagery earlier in the poem. Consider developing a fresher, more nuanced metaphor to conclude the poem, or expand upon the existing imagery to deepen its emotional resonance.
The line "For I would be but six feet tall" is intriguing but somewhat ambiguous in relation to the preceding stanzas. Clarifying the symbolic significance of "six feet tall"—whether it represents normalcy, acceptance, or something else—would help readers better grasp the poem's intended meaning.
Overall, the poem would benefit from tightening the coherence of its imagery and clarifying the symbolic intent of its concluding line.
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