IF I MAY ASK

Out there
In the fields
When farmer’s hoe
Labours into harvest
Which roots were separated from the seeds?

Out there
In the seas
Where fish and man commune
In boiling pots for excrement
What conferences of greedy eating mouths?

Out there
In life
Here and far beyond
When breathe has stopped.
What have we left to show that men were once here?

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: NGA

Favorite Poets: Inspired by an article in an old manuscript , It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics

Comments

weirdelf

13 years 10 months ago

Well written

but lacks internal logic
Which roots were separated from the seeds?

In boiling pots for excrement [did you really mean the word excrement? It means shit]

The last stanza lacks a reason for the end of life. Overfishing perhaps?