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Nov 20, 2012
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If Life Were Only Poetry
Oh, if life were only poetry!
I would fill my love’s cup
With yonder bright stars.
And make of her life
More of heaven then earth.
I would take from her flowing lips
The sweet charms of nippy kisses.
I’d watch her eyes flicker as a busy bee
As she takes in the nectar of a garden rose.
Oh, if only I could fill her cup
With the passions from my heart.
To endlessly write of her loveliness;
Yet, dwell in ever word penned.
Oh, if life were only poetry!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Dalton
12 years 11 months ago
Hi Drachm
A wonderful start for you here. Very close to myown style when I write love lyrics. So I like this poem immensely. Needs tweaking, its not perfect but you have something to work with.
John
drachm
12 years 11 months ago
If life......
What are some of the tweaks?
Drachm
themoonman
12 years 10 months ago
Hi Drachm,
The real problem with this poem is life is poetry,
it's just not always rosy and sweet.
Pay attention to the meter or flow of words,
sometimes a longer sentence doesn't break
the momentum but in this case (in my opinion)
it does.
Nippy; I'd find a more descriptive word there,
"Yet, dwell in ever word penned"
maybe " dwelling in every word penned"
welcome to the site
Richard
drachm
12 years 10 months ago
If Life...
Thank you Richard for the good advice.