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S
Samaira
Jun 13, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

If only I could

Bluebirds sing
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence

Freshly brewed tea
The warmth of the sun
Freshness of spring
The beauty of our garden

If I could see it all
Satiate my void
Perhaps
I would be happier.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I will reconsider it and come up with a revised version soon. Meanwhile, more suggestions and comments are welcome.

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: CHE

More from this author

Comments

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

14 years ago

Sam

This verse did it for me, it made me think of my Jonette, thanks for that.
"The chirping of bluebirds
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence."

Eddie

PS there are a few things, but I will leave it alone per your choice of critique
....

S

Samaira

14 years ago

Eddie

I am glad you liked it.
But please don't refrain yourself from giving me your suggestions. I need them!

:-)
Cheers
Sam.

S

Samaira

14 years ago

Chrys

thank you for your encouraging words, but please feel free to tell me your opinion on the changes you might want to see or any suggestions to make it better. I need the assistance of more experienced writers in order to improve. At the end, it will be my view but it is always good to know the slack points.

Thanks and regards
Sam.

K

Kailashana2

14 years ago

This really is simply lovely.

This really is simply lovely.

Please consider *bluebirds chirp* for the opening line.

and

If I could see it all
Satiate my void
Perhaps
I would be happier.

(I think it's stronger without the last line which doesn't need to be repeated)

Isn't a garden a place of wonders? It is true, one can never see it all, it keeps changing even
hour to hour.

~A

Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

14 years ago

Sam

Well since you ask;
--------------------------------

bluebirds sing
A melodious wakeup call
A familiar scent in the room
Your presence.

Your smiling face
The warmth of the sun
The freshness of spring
The beauty of your garden.

If I could see it all
On the mornings
Of my everyday
I would be content

this is my take on it.
your bud
Eddie