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D
Dalton
May 02, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Immaculate Girl

If the arts of
White-girl-goddess
Were lain down
On paper

Lovers leaving
Little black marks
On the bedsheets
The wing-powders
Of butterflies

Would we remain holy
Our bodies emptied
Of every vessel of lust

The wine is violent
On the senses
First beloved
Be not too violent with me

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: The Celestial River

Favorite Poets: Shane MacGowan, Dylan Thomas, Qays ibn Al-Mulawwah, Wallada bint al-Mustakfi, Rumi, Khalil Gibran, Yona Wallach, Arthur Rimbaud, Paul Eluard, Brendan Behan, James Clarence Mangan, William Blake, Tom Waits, Charles Bukowski, Forough Farrokhzad, Thomas Chatterton

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Comments

Lavender

Lavender

1 month 2 weeks ago

Immaculate Girl

Hello, John,
This is such a raw, completely honest and bold question / statement.
Well done!
L

D

Dalton

1 month 2 weeks ago

Dear Lavender

The white girl or otherwise translated plain girl is tge goddess-like entity who taught the legendary Yellow Emperor of ancient China the arts of lovemaking. Another rendering of her name is The Immaculate Girl

Lavender

Lavender

1 month 2 weeks ago

Hello, John,

Thank you for the deeper explanation. Beautiful and mysterious.
L

D

Dalton

1 month 2 weeks ago

Dear Lavender

Her name being Sunu a goddess of music and sexuality