Immobile Hesitation

I wished with grace upon your head
Something great, majestic in tale

Where the radiant walking of life
Crowns vows whispered in night.

For a breath gently held
To remain tender in whole to bear,
With acceptance of your own gifting right;

There being no place
For pooled darkness to scoff forth
A piece of kindling spirit,

No murmurs roaring contradictions
No option of destruction.

Awake.
Take a stare.
Wishful in taste I stay.
Fragile in every sense,
But ready to take a step.

Please come
Enlighten to me shades of sense.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: California, United Sates, USA

Comments

Layune

14 years 2 months ago

Hello

Thanks for taking the time to read my poem. I hadn't been on Neopoet for a while and so i figured replying back after months would be odd. As for the last line, I wasn't sure how to end the poem, but in the end I was content with what I wrote. Would you suggest an alternative?

Layune

14 years 2 months ago

Hello

I read the poem again and your right, the end did fall a bit weak. Your ending works very well, thank you. I'll be sure to change it.

Eduardo Cruz

14 years 2 months ago

good insightful right

good insightful write wishing some one the best of life,as a kindered spirit.
I do agree with Rosi that the end does kind of leave you wanting of something .

welcome to Neopoet land of the freed poets.
Eddie Cruz
(Eddie is good no formality here)

Layune

14 years 2 months ago

Thank you, and yes i ended up

Thank you, and yes i ended up making a change in the end.