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R
raj
Feb 22, 2018 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Impasse (revisited)

Revised with intent to improve

In my
Wash Room
the day after

I let
emotions
drain

Yet
memories
of you choke
---------------------------------------------
Original version

There in
gutters lie
discards

Left
to decay,
degrade, pass

But
memories
of you choke

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

More from this author

Comments

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

7 years 4 months ago

Great

I starting to get the essence I think of turning inanimate object inanimate object haiku into feeling thing object senyru. Am I off on what I seeing?

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Thanks Barbara for your time

Thanks Barbara for your time visit and interpretation. This has a blend of haiku in it. You may have noticed that I have attempted to further shorten some of the lines in terms of syllabi. I am so happy to see you liking Sunku form and getting adept at it with every Sunku you are posting...

hugs....

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

7 years 4 months ago

Senyru

Is you referring to gutter or discards? If so that’ll still make haiku rather than senyru. You made it personal between you and the gutter or discard? As it seems you are talking to the gutter or the discards. Then I sensed that’s the senyru portion of it.

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Thanks Barbara for visiting

Thanks Barbara for visiting again and your perception. One of the objectives of a Sunku supposedly is to let the reader perceive and imagine. Good to know that I seem to have achieved it...

regards...

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

Sorry for killing you but

Sorry for killing you but coming from the WS leader I will take it as a compliment...may I? :)

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

When you get time......please

When you get time......please tell me in which context of aesthetics you are finding it coming short of expectations...will appreciate your revert on this...till then I will sleep over this one..

IRiz

IRiz

7 years 4 months ago

Good morning, my friend.

Good morning, my friend.
Poems elevate us above mundane, they could use mundane words though.
If you choose to talk about gutters your poem has to raise the spirit above it, uncover the beauty of the world even in impossible.
Instead you pulling the reader all the way in the gutter.
The world is full of suffering and poets are here to help us to accept it and raise above, to find a mysterious beauty of the world despite its obvious evil and ugliness.
We can write about anything but we are born to help people to get in touch with the beauty of the world.
I hope you see my point. I don't want to see your talent wasted on evil.

R

raj

7 years 4 months ago

IRiz, i do appreciate your

IRiz, i do appreciate your point. However, gutter here is used in the context that it is an essential facility to discard things one would like to get rid of and not in an obnoxious way...much the same way they help to cleanse it of garbage.

However, I promise to rework on the poem and make it aesthetically more acceptable. Will then seek your opinion ...