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Apr 05, 2018
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Inevitable
Death is the enemy the only one to destroy this relentless entity is he whom created me. You have the advantage of living not in the tomb even if by being consumed that you will no longer believe flowers bloom but weeds remain green unseen in being alive no matter all the grey gloom. Sunlight always fill my heart wounds but I will swoon to see the brightly lit midnight moon. Punch back with silence does not mean I resort to violence the hatred but love under dirt makes all the effort worth being beat down not for deathly stare however the glare of the sparkling mind will forever glow in endless time.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Give it to me straight no chaser please
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
themoonman
7 years 6 months ago
Hello,
Welcome to Neopoet!!! Thank you for sharing
your work. This piece feels like performance art,
have you done that sort of thing?
I'd change "whom" in the first line, threw me off,
but just a suggestion.
cheers,
Richard
pen2tree
7 years 6 months ago
Response
Thank you for warm welcome and appreciate feedback and for not hating it
lovedly
7 years 6 months ago
it would be better if even in free style you posted as a poem
this poetry is good
but looks like prose
Hope you will rethink and re-ink
I am only free wheeler on neopoet
welcome
pen2tree
7 years 6 months ago
Response
Thanks for reading and feedback
weirdelf
7 years 6 months ago
Poets are lazy, pentree
and don't like reading prose.
I broke this into verse for you without changing a word, though the meaning may have changed slightly. You can fiddle with that.
Inevitable
Death is the enemy,
the only one to destroy this relentless entity
is he whom created me.
You have the advantage of living
not in the tomb
even if by being consumed
that you will no longer believe
flowers bloom
but weeds remain green unseen
in being alive no matter all the grey gloom.
Sunlight always fill my heart wounds
but I will swoon
to see the brightly lit midnight moon.
Punch back with silence
does not mean I resort to violence
the hatred but love under dirt
makes all the effort worth
being beat down not for deathly stare
however the glare
of the sparkling mind will forever glow
in endless time
You have real word skills and an ear for poetry. I very much look forward to more of your work and your feedback to others.
Welcome to Neopoet!
pen2tree
7 years 6 months ago
Thank you Jess, however I am
Thank you Jess, however I am self taught no writing education other then HS. Im not fancy I just write. Appreciate what you did. Thank you for reading and re structuring it, does sound better. And Im just a lover of words and poetry. Everyone is so gifted, talent overload. Im thinking and feeling am out of place way out of my league.
weirdelf
7 years 6 months ago
No, you are just where you need to be, pentree
We have everyone here from adolescents first angsty poems to major published poets all with one goal- to help each other learn to write better.
This is the only poetry site on the web where you it doesn't even have to count as published if you don't feel it is ready for the public.
People will offer you technical advice, opinions about what you write, banter and just make conversation but all only wishing to share what we have. A very rare thing, a community of poets.