raj

Dec 02, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Intense

Eyes close when lips meet
and reopen when they part
in between is bliss

matters not how long or short
but how deep is the desire

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Eastern

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

mand

10 years 7 months ago

Hi there Raj - This is a very

Hi there Raj - This is a very nice senryu tanka ( I think )

I like the imagery and passion of this one! There is only one change I would make.

( only a suggestion to consider )

I wondered if the second verse would sound better without the "do"

Here's a possible alternative: "and reopen when they part" But of course it's up to you..

Apart from that it's a great poem!

Keep safe

Love Mand xxxxx

raj

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Mand

Thank you for the read and your suggestion which is already implemented :) In fact I have slightly modified the last line too because "rather depth of desire" was seeming like 8 syllables.

Thank you too for your encouraging comment.

much love and hugz..

mand

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Raj

I like it better now! it flows better! :) xxxx

raj

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Mand

Thanks for re-visiting this page and good to know that you now feel it reads better.

Regards,

judyanne

10 years 7 months ago

hi raj

Aa little nugget of truth - I like this

however - even though it doesn't really matter, your last verse has only 6 syllables

Love judy
xxx

raj

10 years 7 months ago

Hi Judyanne

Good to know you liked this. Are you saying desire is not 3 syllables? Thinking that it is 3 syllables i changed the last line which was "rather depth of desire"...

Regards,

judyanne

10 years 7 months ago

I checked the dictionary just now

Two syllables
xxx

raj

10 years 7 months ago

Thanks Juddyanne

for coming back to this page and your confirmation that 'desire' is a 2 syllable word..so i will once again now switch back the last line to "rather depth of the desire"...

Regards,