INTERUPTED TREK

Silently small snow flakes fall
from far above the poplars' crown
as I walk this sylvan path
a mile or so outside town.

They slowly cover up the duff
and the sleeve of my old coat
as they join with their brethren
at the end of their final float.

Soon I come to where cedars grow thick
sheltering the ground beneath.
I carelessly step on a dry stick
whose loud snap makes me grit my teeth.

The sound startles a deer out of its bed.
It stands, stares and then stamps its feet
then, catching my scent he bounds away.
I wish I could move that fleet.

As I watch his white tail leave
I catch a glimpse of scarlet red
which becomes a male red bird
with cocky crest upon his head.

A swirl of wind shakes through the copse
which sets the cardinal to wing
through the cedars' sagging tops
which shed the sparse snow with their swing.

A handful of which goes down my neck
causing a shiver down my spine
which makes me turn my course toward home
before I trip on some unseen vine.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

4 months ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Interrupted Trek" effectively employs vivid imagery and a strong sense of place to engage the reader. However, there are areas where the rhythm and rhyme scheme could be improved for a smoother reading experience.

1. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem seems to follow an ABAB rhyme scheme in the first two stanzas, but this pattern is not consistently maintained throughout the poem. For instance, in the third stanza, the rhyme scheme changes to AABB. Maintaining a consistent rhyme scheme can help to create a more harmonious and rhythmic reading experience.

2. Rhythm and Meter: The poem's rhythm is somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the piece. For example, the line "as the join with their brethren" has a different rhythm compared to the lines surrounding it. Consider revising lines like this to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout.

3. Word Choice: Some phrases, such as "whose load snap makes me grit my teeth," could benefit from clearer wording. The phrase "load snap" is somewhat ambiguous and may confuse readers. Consider revising for clarity.

4. Punctuation: The poem lacks punctuation, which can make it difficult for readers to understand the intended pauses and emphasis in the lines. Adding punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem.

5. Spelling: There are a few spelling errors in the poem, such as "asa" in the third line and "stamp sits feet" in the third stanza. These errors can distract the reader and disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising for correct spelling.

Overall, the poem has a strong sense of narrative and setting, but could be improved with attention to rhyme, rhythm, word choice, punctuation, and spelling.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

4 months ago

Interrupted Trek

Hello, Stan,
It's been awhile since you've taken us on one of your beautiful treks, but this has made it worth the wait. Lovely, peaceful... and chilly. Your language and imagery are clear and vivid. The typos are a bit distracting, but I can still hear the narration describing the sounds and scenery. Another tender walk through nature as only you can provide.
Thank you!
L