Candlewitch

Jul 31, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Invasive Presence (eddy styx)

Invasive Pressence

intruder of
my sacred space
how dare you show
your wretched face

to my door
you make your way
taunting me
both night and day

I well know
'twas your intent
to inject venom
now 'tis spent

you sneeringly
fake sympathy
while standing there
and mocking me

in my domain
triumphant thing
your wretched wrath
will surely sing

now aware of
your mistake
I see it plain
and watch it break

now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch

your days are numbered
count them five
for you've struck
while I'm alive

goodbye you pest
as you regret
your legs into
concrete are set

a moment strong
fades to never
think of you
no more forever

be this a lesson
do not gloat
when sitting in
a leaking boat

About This Poem

Last Few Words: for those of you who don't know: eddy styx is my murderous male alter ego who writes dark poetry.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Thank You Beau!

I'm tickled I could give you a charge. Maybe it will inspire a write of your own on the subject :)

always, eddy (& cat)

Kailashana2

12 years 11 months ago

Hehehe. By rhyming this poem

Hehehe. By rhyming this poem, I think, you kept a lid on Mr. Styx.

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Hello Anna,

It can be said that sometimes, eddy needs sitting on, LOL! Thanks for reading and commenting.

always, eddy (& cat)

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Dear Lonnie,

You are ever gracious and ever kind!

always, eddy (& cat)

Geezer

12 years 11 months ago

Nice to see...

eddy having a good time. Nice rhyming and the rhythm was kept very well in those short lines. Killer sends his regards. ~ Gee

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Sir Gee!

So nice to see you here! Thanks for your response and my best to Killer, too!

always, eddy (& cat)

Ian.T

12 years 11 months ago

Cat

I see that intruder is here again, also spotted that Gee will be happy as he featured twice on your leggs:-

your leggs into
concrete are set

Good to read and flowed well hope that leaky boat doesn't come over here we had enough trouble with Dracula at Whitby Bay lol.
Have a great day, Yours Ian.T

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

LOL!

Dear Ian, I get typos alot, LOL! Thanks for pointing out this one. Always good to hear from you, my friend!

always, eddy (& cat)

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

hello Mark,

as it stands:

now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch

would this be better:

now I say
come closer bitch
I will brand you
a sniveling snitch?

please do give me your opinion or another suggestion.
:) thanks!
always, eddy

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

hi eddy

just love
'now I say
come closer bitch
I will gut you
without a hitch'

great write - and the rhyme adds to the rhythm to pull the reader along in the write
i have nothing to offer that would add to this -
love judy
xxx

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

lol - sorry mark

i hadn't noticed your earlier comment...
'without a hitch' to me means 'without a problem'
love judy
xxx

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Dear Lady Judy,

Thank you for reading. Could you take a look at my response to Mark and tell me which you prefer? I appreciate it greatly.

always, eddy

judyanne

12 years 11 months ago

mmmm

personally eddy i prefer the first (hitch)
branding her a 'snivelling snitch' really doesn't fit with the rest of the write imo
love judy
xxx

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Dear Mark,

Thanks for the second read through!

always, eddy

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Eph!

Thanks so much! It is a pleasure to have you on my page!

always, eddy

BlueDemon77

12 years 11 months ago

Great Write!

I like the venom, great example of either character writing or catharsis.
I much prefer the first option (gut you without a hitch). I find disembowelment so much more effective than name-calling....hehe. I really enjoyed this poem, the short lines and rhythms built a powerful momentum. Mucho fun Cat!

Ron

Candlewitch

12 years 11 months ago

Thanks Ron,

I take my revenge in evisceration through poetry, LOL! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

always, eddy (& cat)