invention of questions

this could be our
documentary
soundtrack would be
the tv you leave on
how every night
the orphan of us
grows lonelier
inside its shadow

here, clothes
remain in suitcases
we fear hanging
preferring bruised
from travel

the manager
tells us
previously
she was beautiful
before the hammer struck
before the man
smashed open her head
and broke it apart
as you undress me
i observe
the brushstrokes of blood

as you kiss me
the shadow is reduced to
the blood
the faith

the dying light

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: [This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Melbourne, Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Bukowski, Neruda, Rumi, Gibran, Jeffers, Corso, Waldman, Kerouac

Comments

Ink Artist

14 years 1 month ago

this spooked me, chez! wow.

this spooked me, chez! wow. i'm not used to reading this kind of piece from you. your imagery is brutally visual, to the point i could picture the scene immediately within the first few lines. on a critical note, i didn't like the repetition of "night" in Ls 6 & 7 or of "hammer" in Ls 19 & 22 but that's me. i'm a stickler for the use of antonyms, lol. :D

you have a knack for conclusions. your final five lines are a great ending. the metaphor that lives there is stark and real. wonderful work, lovely one. :)

~lori

CCfire

14 years 1 month ago

Different yes

Yes I agree with your points, I posted it quickly and now see they are not necessary to the flow, thanks my friend :)

Kailashana2

14 years 1 month ago

This is bloody (sorry!)

This is bloody (sorry!) devastatingly and hauntingly sublime, the first two paragraphs a poem unto itself,
but you go on....creating a Matryoshka poem.

CCfire

14 years 1 month ago

The comparisons

leave me a little stunned but I humbly thank you for it, it's a different style as I rarely write dark but some things observed or read just make the muse react.

Barbara Writes

14 years 1 month ago

Hi CCFire

Yes this is very bloody and violent. I see in your writing how when the pen moves it's like a mystery. The words comes out of thin air at times. I've written some rather crazy stuff. They just come without much effort.
If I try to write sensible it takes lots if effort like going through a dry spell. You imagery is really good. There is no way to lose interest before the ending