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Aug 24, 2021
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Invisible Heart...
The longing in his eyes is obvious
She doesn't know his side-long glances
How can she be so blind and miss
He keeps giving her, so many chances
His heart pounds and skips a beat
Her brush of slender hand is wild!
She's looking down at her feet
He's feeling like a bumbling child
Oh, fates and gods, please have a heart
Touch her mind and let her know
He won't trust his lips, for his part
She can't tell him that she loves him so
On and on, they come so close
Cupid; shoot them full of love and hope
Give them the treatment, full arrow's dose
Don't let him feel like such a dope!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Triskelion
3 years 10 months ago
More
..bittersweet experience. You are a regular romantic, Geezer.
The title's so-so..I think you need to push the secretive side of it with the title
Your rhyme and rhythm is as always spot on.
Thomas
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Yeah, I am...
not sure of a better title though. Got any suggestions?
~ Geez.
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Triskelion
3 years 10 months ago
How about
...something to do with invisibility, unclaimed, shrouded, muted? Any of that help?
Thomas
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Yes...
Thank you, the new title for this is: Invisible Heart. ~ Geez.
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Obadiah Grey
3 years 10 months ago
How about "chomping at the
How about "chomping at the bit" for a title?
He seems so keen it's almost animalistic in nature.
Hope they get it on someday!!
Obi.
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Thanks Obi...
I was looking for a purer sort. Yeah, I know; "no love like the first time".
~ Geez.
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c lynn brooks
3 years 10 months ago
Gee
Nice work how about something like
And If She Only Knew or Tales Of A Longing Heart s
was that more of what you were looking for?
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Thanks for...
the suggestion, but I think I will stick with Invisible Heart. Nice to see you! Hope you are feeling well enough to start posting soon. ~ Geez.
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Abby
3 years 10 months ago
Interesting
I liked the overall poem and the title to match. I particularly liked the line "How can she be so blind and miss."
Geezer
3 years 10 months ago
Thank you...
I'm glad to see that you are getting into the spirit of things and leaving comments. As my signature says; even if you just say I liked it and this is why, it helps a poet to feel connected to the reader. And don't be afraid to say that something is not quite right or could be improved if you feel that way. Most of us will react well to that and if we feel that you haven't grasped the line properly of the focus of the poem, we don't get angry. Some of us will take the time to explain. [At least I will]. ~ Geezer.
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