Rula

Aug 29, 2012 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

(Read More...)

Before it is too late...(Mindful Memorable Free Form WS)

I always wanted
the hands of the cuckoo clock
to catch time;
to stop it,
or at least to slow it down
so as not to run
not to race with the lub dub beats
Of my heart
before it is too late
before death alarms aloud

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and , Poets are humanity when the world lose it.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

arja

12 years 10 months ago

..will come back to re-read

..will come back to re-read again..

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

Now this is what this workshop is about!

"Mindful Memorable Freeform"

again I do not like ellipses.
And the word 'bleeping' feels trivial, unless you are talking about freedom of speech on the internet, in which case you need to express it better.

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

beeping not bleeping

is 'onomatapoia', a figure of speech that should in a way strengthen the verse by adding an audiable sound and so to produce a stronger effect

China Blue

12 years 10 months ago

Rula

The theme is right there and clearly understood

I am just a wee put off by your use of "the tick tock"

would it mess up the poem if you were to say something like
the ticking of the clock? as I might be wrong but I took it as a reference to the clock

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

tickind doesn't replace tick tock

as I am using tick tock to refere to the clock. But may be you are right that I will make it more serious if I said " the hands of the clock. " Does this make any sense?

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

bleeping?

oh come on, this is a tough pool, be honest.

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

any suggestions

to give this a better read?

weirdelf

12 years 10 months ago

no further suggestions,

this is poignant and quite profound.

China Blue

12 years 10 months ago

Rula

Ah now there it is
much better nice work here

arja

12 years 10 months ago

..nice read, you captured my

..nice read, you captured my attention! it's more memorable (for me)..

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

Thanks dears

for your help and nice comments. Appreciated
Regards

judyanne

12 years 10 months ago

awesome write rula

memorable
but one thing spoils it for me - the last line.. i just don't like 'horns' – are you using onamatopeia here ? it is too harsh for me., and doesn't really fit the text (imo lol) ... I think I’d prefer a ‘clock’ word…
‘alarms’ or 'chimes' perhaps?

also- just as a by the by – I wonder if it might work better without the ‘the’ in the third line?
love judy
xxx

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

when I used the onomatapoia

with horn (beeping) it was found silly
now I thought 'horns' works well with death as death is indeed harsh
but i loved your suggestions . I'll give them a thought.

Thanks dear ..
Where have you been ? :)

judyanne

12 years 10 months ago

lol

sometimes the real world takes all my time - full time work and all...

i'm back now for a few days -do check out exercise 3 for the critique workshop
xxx

Rula

12 years 10 months ago

Thanks all

jess
Chrys
araj
and judy
for your comments and suggestions. Regards to all.