10/24 Disappointing Halloween

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"It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!"

After complete, careful searching,
and traveling to pumpkin patches
across the garden verdant land,
Linus discovers one that matches...

A pumpkin patch deeply sincere.
silvery light of the full moon
illuminating what he seeks
and a piano's silken tune.

Haunting strains of true music aired
drifting smoke as Lucy's eyes glistened
Schroder played out his heart and soul
Sodden with lust, Lucy listened.

In the chatou they drank fruit punch
World War2 flying ace Snoopy
moved through, to his Sop With Camel
Where Red Baron flys him loopy.

Shot down, He lands the plane wreckage,
on foot, the French countryside roam
his fantasy world come to life...
under his feet feeling rich loam.

Roving to Linus' pumpkin patch
he rises from shadow and dark
Shocking Charlie Brown who came by
to add a reassuring spark.

Sally was there for Linus, too
awaiting the Great Pumpkin guest,
"It" never came, Halloween night
some would say it was for the best.

The sun's arrival that cold morn
Had Sally screaming to the sky
"RESTITUTION is owed to me!
Why did I believe you, oh why?"

Sally goes home disappointed
back to his doghouse Snoopy went.
Linus fell asleep in his patch
Lucy finds him, to bed he's sent!

Just another Halloween spent...

About This Poem

Last Few Words: written on: Candlewitch notepad

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

neopoet

8 months 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem successfully employs a narrative style, telling a story that is easy to follow and engaging. The use of characters from the beloved "Peanuts" series adds a layer of familiarity and nostalgia, which could be appreciated by readers who are fans of the original work.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved for clarity and consistency. For instance, the rhyme scheme seems to fluctuate throughout the poem, which can disrupt the flow. A more consistent rhyme scheme could enhance the overall rhythm of the poem.

The punctuation is also inconsistent. Some lines end with a comma, some with a period, and others with no punctuation at all. Consistent punctuation can help guide the reader through the poem and clarify the intended pauses and stops.

Additionally, the line "Sodden with lust, Lucy listened." appears to introduce a theme that is not explored or referenced again in the rest of the poem. If this line is crucial to the narrative or theme, it may be beneficial to expand on it in subsequent stanzas. If not, consider revising it to maintain the overall tone and theme of the poem.

Lastly, there are a few instances where the meter could be improved for a smoother read. For example, the line "World War2 flying ace Snoopy" disrupts the rhythm due to the abruptness of "World War2". Consider revising such lines to maintain a consistent meter throughout the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

Funny stuff...

I like the last verse, just not the meter. How about the last line reading? "Lucy find him, to bed he's sent."
Remember that word choices, can often make or break a line; sometimes, even though the meter may be spot on, the words just don't seem to fit, that's because of the sound of the vowels or hard consonants, not integrating smoothly. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

8 months 1 week ago

Thanks Geez!

I was not happy with that line, so thanks for the suggestion. I will use it!

many hugs, Cat

Geezer

8 months 1 week ago

I'm proud of...

your sojourn into the skies of the Red Baron and Snoopy! You have made such great strides in your rhyming schemes.
Go back to these departures, they are evidence of your growth. Look at them with fresh eyes every now and then.
You will learn from them and evolve each time you do. I think that one of the biggest advantages that one can have in poetry and storytelling, is to have a gigantic vocabulary. When you can say the same thing a couple of different ways, in order to keep meter or rhyme, you have a powerful tool. Big hugs, ~ Geez