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Mar 28, 2011
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J U N I P E R
shallow is the clip
the golden of the haze
that lazes in the heart
of eyes moist reception
you whom want is
absent
leans against the
tarried shoulder
of my ache
my wounded fragmentary
arch of soul
that bridges light to dark
this agony of love
that flames
in desert depth
and star shard dark
I keep you pressed
in pleasant page
and circled with
a brilliant mark
for muse betold
you held me high
when bars for
me witheld the sky
and footsteps deep
with mystery
have freed me
from this misery
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Roscoe Lane
14 years 3 months ago
Shallow,
Shallow it's clip that golden of haze which lazes in the heart of eyes moist reception, Something wants me to say it like this. I get the feeling you deliberately put so many the's in this, if not this is my only crit of an other beautiful poem. Regards Roscoe..
CCfire
14 years 3 months ago
Nice start
Again you've got some crisp metaphors and images in this, I don't particularly think the ending is as strong as the rest, perhaps it's the end line rhyme which may have been unintentional, it just doesn't end as strongly as I think it could. But as it's a draft and an early one I will come back and see what changes you decide to make.
lou
14 years 3 months ago
Maybe a little tweak ?
I think the imagery is strong , I especially like the first stanza, but i feel the rest needs a little tweak, just to tighten it up a little.
The second stanza, first line doesn't make sense, I think is is your use of grammer.
Stanza three last line could say ' a shard of light pierces the dark'.
What ever you decide it's a beautiful poem, as always.
Lou
Esker
14 years 3 months ago
"you whom want is absent.."
again its about love and obsession
about a stance
the poet writes
musing for the other
muse
and wishing they had want for the poet
perhaps of love
of need
of anything
obsession is an animal fed with
great respect
Or the scars will prove its appetite
Oh You.....I wish you wanted me
but within you its absent..Like a pout
when in reality the love may very
well be there
its the hall of mirrors
sometimes
and to lean Like drama or dance
or ballet the balance of the duet
to graze up against one
physically
to wish for that to lean upon
or be leaned against
lean like the moon gathering
light in growing nights
something like that
its my bloody mind always
thinking like this
Thanks for the comments
pleiades
14 years 3 months ago
again, i have no words
again, i have no words
this write held my emotions captive
i feel pierced
no-one writes like you
no-one
p
Esker
14 years 3 months ago
Pleiades
thank you